Poland & Germany 2026 Region Trip://Leg 6~Wined and Rhined in Bacharach

[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pair of small, white apartments on the right with ornate roof decor, on the left a cathedral of red brick with two towers capped with ornate spires, the spire on the left features a golden crown and a pointed tower.
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In a few days you will be in the land of your ancestors," read the text message from my grandmother. But unlike in 2022, she was not referring to France. No, that weekend, I was flying out to the place that set the stage for a much earlier part of my family's long, scattered European heritage: Poland. This was the choice not out of a massive desire to see a certain city or experience specific cultural elements, but rather, a few things here and there had made me want to go. WWII history, Energylandia, Wieliczka Salt Mine, and of course, any chance to try another country's culinary offerings.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A timber-framed German inn with several dormers, balconies, and a turret.​

I invited my friend Drew, a buddy of mine who goes way back, and mentioned the plan. With LOT Polish Airlines exiting my beloved United codeshare, our best bet looked to be reaching Poland via Frankfurt through Lufthansa and/or United. Drew, like myself with the Polish heritage, has German heritage himself, and while he liked the Poland plan, talked more about our layover in Germany than he did anything in Poland. This gave me the idea to hella, hella extend our layover in Germany, cutting Legendia from the Poland roster and upgrading in its place with Europa Park and Phantasialand. Over New Year's Eve, we fired up Rhine River travel content and picked the sleepy winery town of Bacharach to set the stage for a rural German culture day. With us spending time on two very different halves of Europe with very different political histories, we dubbed the trip Iron Curtain 2026, as a chance to see how the different halves of Europe developed in the 80 years since the WWII things we were seeing.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two men in their thirties drink coffee in an airport.​

I did everything I could to sleep in like a lazy bum today, knowing I had not only a domestic and Transatlantic flight ahead of me, but another domestic after that! I got up, got ready, and had my mother drop me off at the airport where I waited on Drew.

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And while waiting outside TSA, we had a guest in the form of a bird getting stuck in the airport! Fortunately, I told the nearby people at the Delta counter, who got airport services to come humanely let this little guy free.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Against DAY's tarmac and control towers, a hand holds a small plush panda.​

My girlfriend Keely sometimes gives me cute little plushies, and the smaller ones often go on trips with me so I can send her photos of them traveling around the world. My accompaniment on this trip was Noodles, this little panda. Here he is ready to take to the skies from Dayton!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett pulls down a Survivor Buff to smile at the camera with a tall dinosaur skeleton in the background in Chicago O'Hare's B terminal, wearing a blue jersey that says "100 YEARS OF" and a United insignia.​

After a very short flight to our first connection at Chicago O'Hare, we went on a quest to find the legendary Terminal Transfer Bus to the distant Terminal 5, where most of the international flag carriers do their work in the Windy City. We were told our first clue was basically to find the dinosaur, who was rocking the United 100th Anniversary jersey this time.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a green strip of paper reading "Prospect Airport Services Bus Transfer C" against Chicago O'Hare's tarmac and control tower out a bus window.​

To get to Terminal 5, you take the escalator down from the B concourse, across the tunnel with trippy lights, and hang a right at the end before the escalator back up to find the bus station. Prospect will look at your passport, your boarding pass, and then give you a little piece of laminated paper. From there, it's about a 20 minute ride to the M gates.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Several airplane tails with art for Air France, Iberian, Cathay Pacific, Austrian Airlines, and LOT Polish Airlines.​

Here we are, Terminal 5! Man, this was beautiful to see all these colorful and artistic tail arts in one place. And I see our ride!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: People line up at a counter for Austrian Airlines OS46 to Vienna at Gate M24.​

Picking a flight out was hell for this trip, both because of EES implementation and Lufthansa going on strike. Our third or fourth plan ended up with us on Austrian Airlines connecting through Vienna to get to Krakow, with a long 5 hour layover in the Austrian capital. With a quick document check on the ground, they put one of those little sticky page markers on our passports and sent us aboard!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Drew stands before the cabin door of a white Boeing 787 with red lettering on the fuselage.​

Austrian Airlines, here we come! New airline for me, and second flag carrier.

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And just like that, I think I have a new favorite airline! Oh my god, the seats were so comfortable and reclined so far, we were greeted to the friendly skies with "Vienna's favorite beer," as we were told, and they played Austrian waltz music during boarding. This is the way to fly! You can't fly directly there from the states, get Vienna to get you a lift!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett and Drew toast Ottakringer beer cans across the aisle.​

Prost! Welcome to the skies, we've got about eight and a half hours to Vienna!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A black tray with a triangular dish configuration containing pasta, cucumber salad, and white chocolate mousse on an airplane traytable.​

Even the food was incredible for what it was. Normally I have an expectation that the better the airline is, the worse the food is. United food sucks because it's a good airline, Air Canada's food is so good because that airline sucks. Austrian broke the mold here, and I knew we were in for a treat when I saw someone dressed like a chef running around the plane. Orichette pasta with cream sauce, peas, and these lovely blistered cherry tomatoes with a Greek salad, dinner roll with butter, and white chocolate mousse.

PRO TIP: This food tasted great, but if you fly economy on Austrian, their options are only meatless. If this'll make you hungry, bring something else from the airport packed with protein.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a water bottle that is slightly caved in.​

I slept like a baby on this flight! Boeing's lovely 787 Dreamliner aircraft pressurizes at a lower temperature to make sleep easier on the plane, normally I sleep maybe 30 minutes to 2 hours at most, I probably slept 4 hours of this flight. Between the low cabin pressure and the comfy seats and actual pillows that weren't wrapped in cheesecloth, I might as well have been curled up on the clouds outside the windows. Plus, when we landed and the cabin returned to atmopheric pressure, it made my water bottle implode like a submarine full of billionaires, so that was funny.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tower of jams, cold cuts, and fruit sit on a table with croissants and rolls against a window to VIE's tarmac.​

EES who!?!? The cutest, nerdiest border patrol officer ever took our photos and fingerprints, asked us if we were staying in Austria, and wished us safe travels no more than ten minutes after deplaning. The original plan was to head into Vienna and get breakfast there while we were forced to leave security, but Vienna is awesome and we didn't even have to go back through. So it wasn't worth the risk leaving and getting sensually frisked by Hans to see the city, so we instead did an Austrian breakfast in the airport while plane spotting.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A table in an airport terminal holds a pint of beer.​

Adjacent to one of those 9 am pints that has frumpy Ryanair guy's britches in a twist, of course.

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After a nice, leisurely breakfast and some souvenir shopping for possibly the most BS country credit I could ever possibly claim, we found the bus to our gate to Krakow...and the First Order's latest droid! I'm all for Roombas and Automowers and robots helping us out, but the unblinking LED eyes of the Scary Austrian Roomba were starting to dip into the uncanny valley. Look at this god awful thing!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles in front of an Austrian Airlines gate for Krakow.​

Finally, over fifteen hours later, on our last flight to Krakow! Let's make it, finally!
That last flight was a domestic Austrian flight, not nearly the level of care we had on the way in, but it was an hour so you wouldn't expect it. Longest hour of my life, though, and while Drew was all happy to get to Krakow and take a nap, I knew damn well we probably had another hour or two of navigating public transport to get to our AirBNB.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: The Polish countryside under an aircraft.​

Our little Airbus plane dipped below a rough cloud ceiling over the Polish countryside on approach to Pope Jan Pawel II airport...and just as I can see the cute little farms of rural Poland, I hear the sound of digested food filling a paper bag. Drew's trademark motion sickness has struck again, not on a roller coaster, but on an unexpected rough landing. "Get me another!" he screamed as the paper thin barf bag struggled to keep it together, so I gave him the one from my seat. And two other seats, bro ended up filling four bags of his vomit it was disgusting.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On airport tarmac under a red-tipped wing, a blue bus with Energylandia promo material wrap opens its doors behind a cone.​

Of course the Energylandia bus fittingly gets us from plane!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a wall of white tile decorated with triangle-based graphics, teal font says "Welcome to Krakòw and Malopolska."​

...and takes us into the most unsettlingly quiet baggage claim. Maybe we were just landing at an odd time, but Poland dressing their airport security in army green was a little unnerving. But we were here!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A look at a train staion from an escalator, under a sign reading "GALERIA KRAKOWSKA."​

After getting our bags and catching a train to Krakow Glowny (pronounced "gwuvny" per the train conductor taking our tickets), we made it to Krakow's chaotic central station, made it up and headed the mile to our AirBNB.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A courtyard of high rise apartments with balconies and rounded cylindrical stairwells in the concrete.​

Did we make it to the right spot? I thought Harry Potter was in Florida. Nope! This was our AirBNB, up five flights of these stairs. Turns out this place used to be employee housing for some Polish bank, per our host.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A restaurant facade painted with flowers reads "PIEROGARNIA KRAKOWIDACY" on a blue sign.​

After about an hour nap, we found the little paper handout given to us by our host, Daniel, and saw him recommend a little pierogi place we had seen on the walk in. It was settled: grab dinner here and walk around Krakow's Old Town for a few for a chill, jetlagged evening.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A restaurant with white tables and chairs and light blue walls painted with flowers and decorated with traditional farming equipment.​

This place was adorable! It had that rural Midsommar vibe I love while playing crazy Polish folk music, the perfect welcome to this country! I knew damn well there was a Babcza in the back about to whip up the best meal I had ever eaten.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A plate of pierogi dusted with powdered sugar surrounds a sauce dish of sour cream.​

Our server was this cutesy Polish girl in a little traditional farmhand dress and flower hairpiece straight out of Midsommar. I do not know what kind of charm Drew pulled talking to her, but after we sit down, she sets down a plate of cream cheese pierogi that neither one of us ordered and smiles at me, "these are for your friend."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A blue bowl of tomato soup topped with herbs with a few rotini noodles floating in the red broth.​

Having not eaten since Austria, I treated myself to a little zupa pomidora, or tomato soup, mostly because I saw it on the menu and I knew how to order it in Polish. It was honestly better than I expected! Not much different from American tomato soup, but the pasta and garnish goes a long way.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A blue plate holds several dumplings topped with bacon, onions, and scallions surrounding a dish of diced apples.​

This is what we did order! Duck pierogi topped with caramelized onion and bacon jam served with cinnamon apples. It was amazing, nice fatty flavor from the duck and the jam complimented it so well. An amazing welcome to the country!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A row of European housing.​

With us now full, we figured a walk across Old Town was in order. Krakow's old town is separated from the modern city by a little band of green space with a bike path running around the old quarter, but it's a quick crossing through a band of park to go from the modern rat race of Poland's second city into its historic capital.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Several buildings in old European style, with a tall brick cathedral of two spires in the background.​

They weren't kidding when they raved about this square! It's huge, it's full of life, there's a big market a la Charleston at the center, and St. Mary's Basilica towers over it beautifully at Golden Hour.

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Some legend set up a speaker in the middle of the square and it drew these drunk American college kids in like a moth to a flame. Next thing you know, every brainless tourist in Krakow is doing the Macarena while surrounded by an eternity of rich history for some reason. I had no idea why, but at least they were having fun and not annoying the locals like we'd seen earlier. But I'll be damned if this was not a good laugh!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two cathedral spires, one taller than the other, of red brick bathed in golden sunlight.​

St. Mary's Basilica had sadly closed not long before we got here, but I promised Drew we'd check it out before leaving Krakow because he was interested in what could possibly be inside such a majestic building. But hey, we were there just in time for golden hour shots!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall clocktower of brick with a few medieval European buildings in the background.​

Krakow's old city square reminded me a lot of the square in Bruges, but with a clocktower, statues, and city market built at the center of the cobblestone. I believe it's the largest of its kind in Europe, per the Poland book I purchased before coming here.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hollow metal statue head without eyes lays sideways on a base, bandages over its mouth.​

Cool statue head as an art piece near the clocktower/market. Couldn't find what the significance was supposed to be, sadly.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick building with ornate cement accents, with the towers of a cathedral in the background.​

They also had this touristy little market, which was a bit more expensive than the souvenirs elsewhere in town, but it was fun to walk around and see what they were selling.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dimly lit street market with wrought iron light fixtures hanging from a vaulted ceiling, lined with little vendor booths on either side of the corridor.​

It reminded me of Charleston, South Carolina's Market Street, if you've been there. They sold typical city souvenirs, in addition to pigeons, things related to Krakow's Jewish district, and dragons referencing some dragon statue down by Wawel Castle.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hook hangs many smiling pierogi plushies, all reading "Krakow" in red letters​

...and also pierogi plushies like the ones Poland's Olympic team had in Milan! Which I had to get for Keely and I!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone dormer jutting from the corner of a cement building with vaulted archways and a light-bathed cathedral with uneven towers in the background.​

It was getting late, I was losing sunlight, so we elected to return to the AirBNB, and more importantly, return here in a few days when we had time to properly explore it.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: The uneven spires of St. Mary's Basilica against a blue sky.​

So we headed back, with goals to visit again in three days after two very busy days ahead of us.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wrought iron sign over a gate reads "ARBEIT MACHT FREI."​

UP NEXT: The most difficult thing I have ever seen traveling brings a shocking, sobering welcome to Poland as we visit the number one place I had to see if I ever came here. An early morning two-part tour starts at the infamous Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum, full of the most horrible things I had ever seen and heard in all my years traveling. It was an honor to be able to do this, and while no amount of interest in this topic can replace the sensation of actually standing in one of these horrible places, I will do my best to write it up honestly, respectfully, and tell anyone who cares to read what I saw that day. I will also be covering our dinner in Kazimierz, as we intentionally did it on this day for a reason.

(SIDE NOTE: As usual, this was copy pasted from my blog. If dark historical content such as this is too much for CoasterForce, mods please let me know so I can just edit this bit out and skip it altogether or direct readers somewhere offsite to read it.)

 

[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

CONTENT WARNING: This blog entry discusses a tour of Auschwitz Birkenau Concentration Camp Oswecim, Poland, and discusses hateful, abusive acts of all kind committed by Adolf Hitler's genocidal Nazi regime. Please use judgement when deciding whether or not to read. CoasterForce Mods, please either DM me here or through Facebook if this is too hot for the forums or just outright take it down, as I know this is a heavy, adult topic that does not belong everywhere.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A black and white photo of the Auschwitz Birkenau rail house, with a railroad extending through an arch.
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Every school class has one. That specific student that oddly gets way too into the Holocaust unit, to the concern of parents and teachers alike. That kid that’s always asking questions about the most horrible thing a K-12 student will learn in America, the kid who leaves the classroom only to read books on the subject at home, the kid who might not have even participated in class otherwise. To some, the worst things human beings have ever done to other human beings are captivating. Almost pathologically interesting. I was that kid. Nobody, myself included, really knows why, but I had a lot of interest in the topic. And almost twenty years later, I had an experience that thirteen year-old me would have never dreamed of: to get to set foot in a place as terrible as Auschwitz and see firsthand where these heinous, disgusting crimes took place.


Day 1


"Your departure time has changed from 9:45 to 5:45," GetYourGuide rudely told me that evening in Krakow. And that's what we did. I set early alarms, and we got up, around the block, and found the train station Kiss and Ride from which GetYourGuide would pick us up after ten freezing minutes in thirty degree weather.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A sunrise over a river behind a bridge railing, with buildings on the banks of the Vistula.​

It was a beautiful morning in Poland as we crossed the Vistula. Little cold, little frosty, but beautiful. Because of the time difference, I chatted with Keely via text on the way over, but she got tired, and I promised her I'd just send her photos as I took them with my phone, so she might get a captionless photo dump with no context. She was, after all, the child in her class that was weirdly interested in the Holocaust.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cement wall reads "Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum" in English, Polish, and Hebrew.​

It was a two hour drive through the frosty countryside of Poland in the morning, which was honestly gorgeous. We even saw a bison herd and curved tree trunks out the window on the way, and honestly, it was a drive that could have lasted forever considering what I knew was on the other side. "OSWECIM," read the sign, just an innocent town name, but I knew from a book I had as a child what was in that town of Oswecim. "I'm shaking even being in this parking lot," I sent off to Keely as she fell asleep.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a paper ticket reading "Auschwitz Birkenau" and bearing a time of 7:40, English language, and "8 Jarrett Browne."​

In my 8th grade English class, my retiring teacher, who was otherwise a horrible crabby old woman with whom I did not get along, was also the school Holocaust nerd. This random English teacher was the lady you’d get sent to for drawing hate symbols on your binder. Her curriculum consisted of Daniel’s Story, the Anne Frank play script, The Wave, participation in a local Holocaust writing competition, and filling a period valise with symbols of the Holocaust. A Schindler’s List film poster hung at the back of her room, and many students falsely believed she was Jewish for Holocaust interest alone. Honestly, I learned more about the darkest chapter of history in my reading class than I ever would have about literature. And she had been here, and on a class day I was excited for, she showed us her photos on an old school slide projector. Excited because I knew there was no way in hell I could ever actually go to Poland and see it for myself.

This was in my hand. And this would have made teenage me feel all sorts of ways to even be in possession of this ticket with my name on it.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A queue on gravel heads into a brick building with tiled roof and skylights.​

This unassuming building is where you wait before entering, where they do metal detection and hook you up with your audio guide. We had a wait here while we talked with this really cool older British couple we had met at the Kiss and Ride. This takes you to Auschwitz-I, the start of the Nazis' operation in Oswecim and the smaller brain of the sinister place where administrative decisions were made.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A group stands in a concrete basement wearing headphones, a black sign points to the left and reads "DIRECTION OF VISITING" in English, Polish, and Hebrew.​

So you show up, they take you downstairs, and you're given these audio guide headphones. A pair of headphones covered with gauze-like sanitary cloth hooks into a transceiver that you can clip or pocket, which hooks you up to everything your guide is saying. And where this gets chilling was the realization that everything our guide, a Polish woman named Barbara, was saying, was always in earshot no matter how horrible it was, and no matter which room you were in.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A group strolls down a concrete trench landscaped with rocks and a slanting cement wall.​

"Let us start with the names of the victims," Barbara told us, before taking us from this basement onto this walkway built in a masonry trench with a brutalist look to it. She turned off the audio guides, and we walked down the concrete path that slowly rose up to ground level. But every few seconds, you would hear a name. Hermann. Otto. Two faceless words every few seconds to represent one of millions murdered in cold blood at the place we chose to spend our morning.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a grassy field bathed in sun, several wooden and brick cabins sit in a morning mist behind green trees with sunlight illuminating their branches.​

We had such a beautiful morning for this. Green grass, blue sky, a slight atmospheric morning fog, hell the birds were singing. But if anything, this was off putting when you consider that this quaint, beautiful setting is the closest thing to hell humans have created to date.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two black signs show a map of Auschwitz I and tell the story of a Polish army garrison being turned into a concentration camp.​

Auschwitz began life as military barracks for the Polish Army, the Germans decided that it would be repurposed upon taking Poland for themselves. Many of these buildings had innocent origins, but the Germans turned them into a concentration camp. Oswecim (pronounced "osh-VEE-cheem), the town we were in, was the namesake to the camp, with the name "Auschwitz" simply being a Germanic equivilent to Oswecim.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An iron sign over a gate reads "ARBEIT MACHT FREI."​

ARBEIT MACHT FREI. "Work will make you free," my childhood teacher told us this sign read in German. A false promise meant to make this place seem like a less sinister labor camp, this is by far the most famous thing in Auschwitz-I.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A row of brick buildings with Dutch roofs surrounded by trees and gravel walkways.​

As I said above, this part of the camp, unlike its more infamous subcamp, started life as military barracks, so there's nothing inherently sinister about anything you see just out in the open. Drew said it looked like a woodsy little apartment complex, which it does in parts where the barbed wire and guard towers aren't visible.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Auschwitz-I's path between blocks fenced off by a wooden wall and guard tower. A family with a wheelchair sits outside of one building.​

While I saw wheelchairs around outside, it was gravel path, and the blocks where things were displayed were only accessible by steps.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cement-framd doorway in a brick wall next to a lantern reading "4," the glass over the door reads "GENERAL EXHIBITION; EXTERMINATION" in English and Polish.​

Many of these blocks have now been turned into the museum part of Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum, with exhibits telling what happened here through photos, glass cases, and words tied to artifacts. The first one they show you is Extermination.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A white model shows a room of murdered people underground, with nearby above-ground rooms showing the bodies being loaded into crematoria.​

This was actually a surprising but familiar sight for Drew and I. There's a white plaster sculpture just like this at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, which shows off exactly how the Nazis' industrialized murder operation worked, specifically Crematorium 2 at Birkenau, which we would see later.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass case holding several rusty cans with their lids ripped off.​

Zyklon B, a commercially available pesticide made with cyanide, became the standard means of routine mass murder in Hitler's gas chambers. Meaning "cyclone" in German, it was an innocent, powerful product name, like how we have Raid and Roundup and Arm & Hammer back at home. Several cans containing the deadly product were buried by the cowards trying to hide their crimes.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Atop a glass pedestal labeled "CYKLON B; ZYKLON B," a small pile of chalky pellets sits on display.​

Zyklon B were these chalky pellets that were saturated in cyanide, when they hit the air, the cyanide would evaporate into a deadly gas that stops your body from being able to use oxygen. Contrary to urban legend, while the gas chambers were disguised as showers and the condemned would undress before entering, the pellets did not come out of the shower heads but fell in through slots in the ceiling. There, people numbering between 800 and 3000 (depending on which gas chamber) were trapped together in an airtight space as toxic cyanide slowly suffocated them over up to 20 horrible minutes. The "lights go off and a lot of screaming" you see in Hollywood was not a quick bait-and-switch, this chemical slowly and painfully suffocated human beings as they screamed for their lives.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Light-colored human hair.​

PHOTO CREDIT: Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum Website, this is not a photo of the real hair, it is a stock image. Photography in the hair room is prohibited out of respect for the victims.

"No photos in the next room and prepare yourselves for a shock," Barbara's electrified voice coldly instructed me through the headset. What the hell was in there? "EVIDENCE OF EXPLOITATION OF CORPSES," read a chilling sign on the door. And when I stepped in, I gasped.

The next exhibit was a dimly-lit room containing a glass case that took up half the floor space, in it a heaping pile of reddish-brown human hair reaching across the entire wall floor to ceiling. I was under the impression from childhood that this was barber shop clippings, that they had swept up the hair shaved from prisoners' heads, but today, Barbara told us the grim reality that traces of Zyklon B were found in te hair. The Sonderkommando, a group of physically strong prisoners tasked with running the crematoria, were tasked with cutting the hair from murdered human beings and helping stockpile it. The Nazis would bale and sell the hair as a raw material, another case in the room also showed a sort of weaving loom used to spin it into textiles. Two tons of hair was behind that glass wall, which Barbara told us represented "forty thousand human lives," which I knew was a drop in the bucket compared to the over a million murdered at this camp.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a table are laid white shawls with navy stripes and yarnwork on them.​

The next block showed items from Canada, the euphamism given to warehouses of stolen items by prisoners. "EVIDENCE OF MATERIAL CRIMES," read this exhibit. I'm friends with a Jewish family back at home, and through them I knew exactly how special and personal these prayer shawls likely were to the people from which they were stolen.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pile of prosthetics, braces, crutches, and mobility aids.​

This was the room to break me. I cried on the phone with my girlfriend the following evening because I saw this.

Many people I love I love are disabled, and some use mobility aids, one of which is my own girlfriend who I love and have plans to marry. And this was another marginalized group the Nazis terrorized, killing many before the Final Solution even started. And to know that one person who I loved enough to give her my entire life would have just been killed as one of a large scale operation and her wheelchair just thrown into this pile, and the knowledge that every single prosthetic, every brace in this pile represents one beautiful human being murdered, I couldn't. I promised Keely a photo dump, but this was the one thing I could not bring myself to send her. And as of this writing, she knows there was one photo I did not show her, but she does not know its contents.

What also bothered me was that this room is not accessible. If anyone deserves to see Auschwitz, it's the people they were killing. These barracks aren't a renaissance cathedral, and I feel like ground level elevators to both floors deserve to be installed in the buildings open to the public. Ensuring everyone gets to see these important things is more important than preserving a few three foot strips of death camp brick wall.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pile of dirty grey leather shoes behind a glass wall.​

And here we have the infamous shoe pile. Pretty sure everyone has seen this as one of the most recognized symbols of Auschwitz, but to look closely at the designs, the loafers, the pumps, and realize each of these was an individual choice to one person killed, maybe another is in the pile maybe it isn't. Every single one of these dirty, decaying shoes, separated from its match, tells the story of someone who didn't live to tell it themselves.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pile of suitcases, bags, and baskets, some of the suitcases have names visible on them, one being Anna Kraus.​

Suitcases, with the names of the victims chillingly written on each piece of luggage. Anna Kraus, couldn't help but wonder who that was and what was her story.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wall of camp records, all bearing red triangles.​

The next gallery had some paperwork, random artifacts, and a downstairs hall of camp mugshots. The most terrifying thing here was that after Jews, political prisoners were the next most common. Not the green criminal triangle, the red political prisoner triangle.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Ten mugshots of men with shaved heads in black and white against a wall.​

Downstairs, you would walk through a hall of photo after photo of the victims. Many Poles, a few Slovenes, a mixed bag of others. Here, the man with the swollen lip and the cut on his head in the center of the bottom row was the story I wanted to know.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass case before a white paneled wall containing a glass urn, holding pulverized gray bone in a conical configuration.​

This was another thing I cried about tonight.

This memorial contains the ashes that the Nazis dumped into the Vistula river to hide what happened here. This glass urn contains real Holocaust ashes, not the uniform white stuff you scatter in a field when your loved one dies, this is a course, gray, bony gravel-like substance, where the bones of those incinerated were just barely crushed up enough to take up as little space as possible. Not out of respect, but to downsize the remains of one human being enough that as many more as possible can fit onto the dump truck and be dumped unceremoniously into that river in the first photo.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass case holds a wooden handle with a length of braided wire at the end like a whip.​

This cat o' nine tails was used for punishment around the prison.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A curved beating bench and the wooden stick used to beat those strapped into it.​

People trying to escape were punished on this, bound face-down and brutally beaten. Today, it sits behind a glass case for people to see the reality of things here eighty years ago.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In a frame sits a burlap sack reading "PORTLAND-ZEMENT."​

The titular Striped Pajamas from Boy In The Striped Pajamas (a historical fictional, historically inaccurate about Auschwitz that traumatized my entire generation), were not very warm. A prisoner working in Birkenau took these burlap concrete bags and stuffed his uniform for warmth in the harsh Polish winter, he was beaten within an inch of his life for it. Battered for a harmless act of self-preservation.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A grayscale photo of triple-tier bunk beds beside a window, with a table bearing a pot of sorts.​

This next block was left largely intact, the "model" if you will, for life at Auschwitz-I. Bunks, toilets, and a punitive basement where photos were prohibited, made up this building. Prisoners would have lived in these barracks.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick wall of cinderblocks against a masonry wall, with a sun flare and several flower bouquets and candles at its base.​

There was a room here where the Gestapo would try "offenses" committed by those imprisoned here, with the most common sentence simply being death. Two rooms existed for prisoners to undress before being led naked two by two to this wall, where they would be shot to death by firing squad. Notably, this is where people leave tributes at Auschwitz-I.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On the ground with candles nearby, a glass rock, a heart-shaped rock, a quarter and a dime sit in the silt.​

Drew left the heart-shaped rock, a coworker of mine gave me the pretty glass one to leave on her behalf, and the two American coins you see come from Keely and I. Leaving change on horizontal surfaces is a paranormal thing often seen at haunted houses and cemeteries, so I thought it was fitting for that to be the way Keely and I showed our respect.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pathway flanked on both sides by barbed wire runs between two buildings.​

We continued to the edge of the camp, the grand finale for Auschwitz-I, knowing well something awful awaited us. I didn't know what it was we were about to see, but we were going to see it, and I was unsure if I wanted to.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From a grassy hill landscaped with pine trees, a foundation and brick chimney rise from the knoll.​

We were going to be taken into what remained of the Auschwitz-I gas chambers. These were not the massive killing machines where a majority of those sent to Auschwitz were murdered. This gas chamber was smaller, a prototype even, clobbered together out of the camp's existing morgue and crematorium. "You may photograph in here, but please maintain silence out of respect for the victims."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A barren cement basement with a light overhead and a door in the back left.​

While the Birkenau gas chambers were disguised as showers with knobs, tile, and shower heads, this facility was just a concrete basement where people were killed. Through small slots in the ceiling, Zyklon B was poured into this room while it was locked elbow-to-elbow with people who would suffocate slowly and painfully from the cyanide.

The Nazis knew what they were doing. They would rev engines outside to drown out the awful screaming of people being murdered within.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick and cement basement with two cremation ovens, equipped with trays mounted to rails on the floor.​

This had begun life as the camp's morgue, so this crematorium predates the final solution. But make no mistake, seeing an oven used to dispose of that many innocent murder victims sent chills down my spine. This could have been a crappy, dated piece of machinery with which I worked at my regular job, but with much more sinister purposes.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden platform with stairs leads up to a U-frame with a rusty metal hook on the horizontal.​

This gallows was the best thing we saw all day. One person, count it, one. Uno. Ein. Jeden. A single person was killed here, and it was the sick bastard who ran this place. Upon liberating the camp, the Russians built this, took the camp director responsible for all the death and torture going on here, and hanged him right at the very gas chambers where he murdered so many others.

This was the best thing we saw all day.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a grassy field of dandelions, a wide, shallow building has a set of railroad tracks going through an arch under a cupola.​

From here, we returned to the parking lot, those who bought sack lunches ate them, and we took a quick toilet break. Then, we piled into the car and drove ten minutes to Auschwitz's bigger, more deplorable subcamp: Birkenau.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Railroad tracks head through a simple brick building through an arch under a cupola.​

Here it is. The iconic Holocaust photo, vanishing perspective of the railroad tracks that took people to the very end you can see in the photo. Truly iconic, yes, but for the most sinister, disgusting reasons.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Miles upon miles of barbed wire, brick ruins, and barracks in the distace.​

No audio guides at Birkenau. We barely need it because we won't be seeing much. Not that there's nothing here, there absolutely is. Barracks, factories, and barbed wire as far as the eye can see, as a matter of fact. It's much bigger than Auschwitz-I. Everything you saw above? Imagine it copy and pasted as many times as possible for maximum performance of the acts you saw. It's disgusting.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A grayscale photo of a red railcar sitting on the train tracks, with wooden metal beams and siding.​

People from all over Europe were loaded into these train cars elbow to elbow, with only one bucket as a toilet, sometimes for days on end. Many were actually excited to arrive at Birkenau, because the disgusting, eternal journey was over, but their hell had just begun. And even worse, many had thought the murmurs of camps and gas chambers were a mere conspiracy theory until they arrived here.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pile of rubble and cement frame rests in a pile of bricks, dangling strands of rebar downward.​

At the back of Birkenau, this is all that remains of the white sculpture's subject matter. Cowards as they were, the Nazis destroyed their gas chambers when they realized the Soviets would liberate the camp shortly. Three or four of these massive ruins occupied the back of the camp, with one notably destroyed in a Sonderkommando riot a week prior to liberation.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In a grassy field roped off by a barbed wire fence and guard tower, a brick trench with tubular steel supports runs through the ground.​

When this was all assembled, people would go from the rail car seen in a prior photo, and be selected for either slave labor or death. Those sorted into the group to be executed would be taken here under the guise that it was disinfection. They would be forced to undress completely, the led into an underground gas chamber disguised as a shower. After the Zyklon B pellets completely gassed them to death, the Sonderkommando would load them into elevators up to the crematorium, where the destroyed human lives would be reduced by flame, machines, and manual labor, into that gray bone gravel seen in the prior urn photo.

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IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Four black granite stones read "To the memory of the men, women, and children who fell victim to the Nazi genocide. here lie their ashes. May their souls rest in peace." In Polish, English, and Hebrew.​

There is a large memorial, and a smaller one. That couple we had spoken to were the only others to leave anything in tribute, placing a rock beside one of these stones.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across railroad tracks, a series of barracks, barbed wire fences, and a guard tower.​

Auschwitz-I is small, lowkey, and as Drew said, could pass for an apartment complex. Auschwitz-II, Birkenau, this place was unapologetically as evil as possible. Massive, out in the open, and with no effort to hide what they were doing. It's one of maybe ten objects duplicated into infinity to maximize the amount of slavery and murder of which this place would be capable. It is literally the worst place in the world.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick barracks building supported with a timber frame in the grass.​

Barbara wanted to show us the women's' barracks lastly, so we hiked up a gravel trail and entered this place where the prisoners, the average people the Nazis chose to let live, for now, slept here.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Racks of wooden sleeping shelves supported by masonry walls on a brick floor.​

"I wouldn't let my dog sleep here," I heard uttered as we strolled through the racks, not beds, racks for humans, with wooden planks and nails sticking out of them. Drew informed us that he heard of fights breaking out for the upper bunks, as gravity would force the human excrement to drip and trickle down onto those sleeping below.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Multiple rail switches lead into the gatehouse of Auschwitz-Birkenau Concentration Camp in black and white.​

This concluded our tour, and from here, we headed back to the tour bus to get snacks, use the toilet, and return to Krakow with a stop at the salt mines like we had not just spent the morning looking at crushed human remains, crematoria, prosthetics from disabled murder victims, or two tons of hair cut from dead people.

I knew I would have to do a lot to distract myself from what I had just witnessed.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A few sculptures in an underground mine show a man kneeling before a princess surrounded by guards.​

UP NEXT: We visit the UNESCO World Heritage Site of the Wieliczka Salt Mine south of Krakow, descending hundreds of feet into the earth into caverns of history both natural and human. Incredible subterranean scultures, fascinating geological history millions of years in the making, and somehow heading this deep underground leads to Jesus instead of Satan like I always thought. Plus, the painful memories at Auschwitz have a silver lining as we visit Krakow's Kazimierz district for dinner, and witness firsthand the beauty of the Ashkenazi Jewish culture that continues to flourish in Krakow.

 

[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

Day 1 (continued)

So we left Birkenau and drove, about an hour and a half, I don’t know. I didn't want to just walk away from how I felt after seeing Auschwitz, but I wanted to take some time before I finished processing how I felt, so I put a metaphorical pin in it. I read my novel, texted with Keely some, and enjoyed sitting and resting after all that walking. After all, we had even more time on our feet coming up.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone cavern carved with an altar featuring the Virgin Mary carved of salt in a geode-like nave, with a white chandelier of wood and crystals in the foreground.​

The other culturally significant thing we managed in Polska was the UNESCO-certified Wieliczka Salt Mine. But wait. A salt mine? A dirty hole in the ground where sweaty men in coveralls break up rocks all day is a UNESCO World Heritage Site? Yes it is. Why? Because Europe’s first mine is not only a historically significant medieval relic that’s been used continuously since the Paleolithic times, but also for the amazing artwork that’s been carved in the depths of the earth here. This is the closest we have to an underground Dwarven cave city.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Behind a fence, a wide beige building has a metal tower with scaffold rising over it.​

We arrived shortly before 1, with massive lines broken up by language to go down into the mine. Initially, the 1 o’clock tour was full and our small tour bus was to wait an hour to descend, but our driver was awesome and pulled some strings and the next thing you knew, we were heading down the stairs in the larger group with our guide Marta.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cement basement with wooden carvings of buildings on its walls.​

The salt mine tour begins down some steps into a house thing, and then down a wooden staircase. Thoosies, if you’ve done Silver Dollar City’s Marvel Cave Tour, it’s a lot like that. At the bottom were these reliefs of life in the salt mines.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett and Drew flash peace signs in front of a brick wall reading "THE BONO; LEVEL I; 64 METRES DEEP."​

Going down! We were already a hypercoaster deep, if you put Steel Vengeance over top of us, it still wouldn't be tall enough to reach the surface. And we were just getting started!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rope winch suspends a large stone as two dummies work levers in the mine.​

Wieliczka is a sort of hybrid between the Silver Dollar City cave tour, an art exhibition, and a museum to how this mine once worked. Throughout our journey, we encountered statues carved of stone, displays illustrating the mining trade, and natural wonders.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone statue in a cavern of a stylized man holding an arm up, clasping a sphere. Beneath it, bas relief reads "MIKOLAJ KOPERNIK"​

Many statues were down here, often with political and mythological themes to them. This was famous astronomer Copernicus, who I was unaware was Polish until this very moment.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In an underground cave-like chamber of stone, statues of two guards surround a statue prince proposing with a fistful of salt to a statue of a woman in a gown and crown.​

This is the story of Saint Kinga, the Hungarian princess who is credited with discovering this place. When she married into the Polish royal family, she asked for a lump of salt as dowry (think like a trade used to "buy" the marriage into a royal family), and threw her ring into a Hungarian salt mine. But upon arriving in Poland, she ordered this spot be mined. When the first salt crystal was excavated, her engagement ring was inside! Saint Kinga is the patron saint of mining, and is credited as the matriarch of this place.


They even had this cool little show to tell the story.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Mannequins of two neolithic peoples retrieve salt water from the ground of a diorama.​

Nah, cool story but it was just this. Wieliczka was Europe's first mine, and use of its salt deposits go back to neolithic times. Stonehenge isn't the only stone age icon in Europe! But in this era, the salt was mined at the surface, operating more as a saline well than a cavernous seam.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone statue lays against a rocky ledge in a dark chamber, holding up a mockup of a torch.​

Don't whistle in the Mystery Mine, for danger you will meet! These poor bastards had the important job of clearing methane pockets from the mine, by carrying flaming torches around and waiting on blue flames to burst off of it! Needless to say, this was a dangerous job.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coarse, popcorn-like deposit of salt stuck to natural stone walls.​

These natural salt deposits are what was being (and still is) mined here. People crowded around to taste the wall, which flakes off onto your finger in a sense. Due to the environment, the air down here is actually very healthy for you to breathe, there's even a spa! Drew said this was the only part of the trip his allergies didn't bother him.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In a low light environment, a display shows several horses around wooden machinery.​

This was the stable room, which is built up in a large chamber and was where the horses were kept, along with this insanely cool wooden winch.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stylized stone bust of a medieval king with a crown and beard, and wearing two Polish coats of arms as badges on his regalia.​

And here is King Kazimierz III, who obviously rocks. Both because he was the only Polish king to be called "The Great," and because he is made out of rock. This man is one of many national heroes to Poland, he did a lot to stabilize Poland domestically over military campaigns, and did a lot to protect the existing and immigrating Jewish population in Krakow.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A long, winding staircase descends down a cavern into darkness.​

We had quite the descent after this! This tall chamber was equipped with large wooden stair flights, which made for quite the harrowing climb down. You couldn't see the bottom, both because it weaved around a lot, and because it was too dark. Frankly, I'm not sure I want to.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In a dark cave-like chamber, several small statues of gnomes perform various mining tasks.​

As if this couldn't feel anymore like a Dwarven underground mountain city like you'd see in Dungeons and Dragons, we have gnomes! These little guys were sculpted like little hidden easter eggs on the aforementioned stair flight, all leading up to this room. Hi ho, hi ho!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden nave shows a carved wooden crucifix.​

A few little chapels exist down here, both for the miners to actively use and as art pieces. At the bottom of this staircase, we passed this little nave of Christ and continued along...

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A church hewn into an underground chamber of stone lined with carvings on the walls and an altar of salt and stone at the rear of the room, lit by five hanging chandeliers.​

Well, a few hundred feet later, here it is! Saint Kinga's Chapel, dedicated to the princess in the story above, is a beautiful wonder of both human craftsmanship and natural occurrence. This is the spot that ends up in books, Instagram photos, it is impossible to plan a trip to Poland without seeing photos of this.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone cavern carved with an altar featuring the Virgin Mary carved of salt in a geode-like nave, with a white chandelier of wood and crystals in the foreground.
​

While I thought the whole idea of Christianity was not to go someplace far underground, Saint Kinga's Chapel invokes and calls a higher power to low places. It's an entire Catholic basilica carved of the earth's solid crust, with religious art hewn right into the quarried rock left behind from salt mining. It's absolutely beautiful, and probably up there with Mont St-Michel for best cathedral in Europe.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone altar built around a statue of the Virgin Mary carved from salt and surrounded by crystals, under a white chandelier and over a pulpit featuring an orange-lit niche holding a cross.​

You can get married at this altar! They do weddings and masses here, it's a functioning cathedral in the depths beneath the earth.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone niche holds a statue of the Virgin May and child, flanked by two candles.​

They range from large to small. There are small idols like this, and large bas relief fresco things all along these walls.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone cavern statue of an elderly man in robes, a papal hat, and holding a staff with a crucifix atop it.​

Pope Jan Pawel II is the main man here in Poland, especially in these parts. Krakow's airport is named after him and you'll see him around as one of many celebrated Poles.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett stands in front of the altar of Saint Kinga's Chapel.​

I could have stayed down here forever taking photos, 330 feet below the ground, but my heart almost broke when I heard "Okay, Marta's group, please reconvene," in my audio guide. Oh well, we're only halfway down roughly!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cavernous underground chamber with an illuminated blue underground lake and a lit-up bridge in the background.​

The next room casually took us across this beautiful underground lake, where they showed us a cool light show.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A whitewashed wooden structure extends its tall, angling trusses up a vertical stone chasm, with stairs heading into it.​

You can't even see the top of it. This chamber was tall but needed supported, so they built a twenty story structure of whitewashed timber. Marta told us this was a very difficult support piece to design, so we can add "engineering marvel" to Wieliczka's resume, what doesn't this place have?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Under a gabled roof of whitewashed logs, a stone statue shows an eagle wearing a crown over the number 100.​

They had some smaller statues up ahead, on of which was Poland's eagle seen on their coat of arms.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall chamber supported by whitewashed wooden timbers has an underground lake with a tunnel out of it, and a shrine depicting a pope.​

It's A Small World After All! There's also a tunnel of love apparently, they used to do little boat cruises on this underground lake.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall rocky chasm held up with a few timber beams rises high, with an elevator shaft off to the side.​

Of course this place would have the most extra exit gift shop I've ever seen. The tallest chamber we would see on the tour route, you can exit through the gift shop or take a (paid) elevator to the top of the chamber before your ascent to the surface. I snagged my family members these little pewter mine carts that said Wieliczka on their sides filled with a pinkish rock salt. Those are shelves of trinkets and postcards at the bottom of this photo!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A set of mine cart tracks snake far back down a long, curvy tunnel.​

I was honestly feeling glad we made it to the bottom with our tour party. I knew that we barely scratched the surfaces of these tunnels on this tour, and as such, getting separated from your group is a serious problem if you get lost down here with no reception. This ominous sight was on the way to the elevator.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: In a rocky chamber, statues show two men holding hammers.​

This cool statue display was also kind of an easter egg you pass at the end.

"We have a more modern elevator, and an older more shaking cage elevator the miners used," Marta informed us as our group split to fend for themselves for a ride back to the sun. Drew and I got stuck in a really long line, when they randomly took a cluster of us down another corridor to an elevator. "Is this the new or old elevator?" I asked this mine employee. "It's the old one, I'm sorry," she replied. Drew and I high-fived, we wanted one last thrill out of Wieliczka! It's not quite coaster rattly, but you do feel it sway around on the bearings as you see the stone whizz by just inches from you, protected only by a thin plate of metal with holes drilled in it. Hang onto your phone, it absolutely can fall out!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small green space in a city with vintage architecture, surrounded by a menorah-shaped fence.​

Once we were back on the ground, it was a quick back to Krakow. From here, Drew and I had decided to save Kazimierz, the Jewish quarter in Krakow, for today's dinner. While I am an atheist, back at home I play Dungeons & Dragons with a Rabbi and his wife, and these wonderful people have done so much to invite me to their holidays and teach me about a fascinating faith I am not even a part of. And their food will knock your socks off!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone-shaped monument with text and a Star of David on it, with offerings including many rocks and stones at the edge of a city green space. The English reads "PLACE OF MEDITATION UPON THE MARTYRDOM OF 65 THOUSAND POLISH CITIZENS OF JEWISH NATIONALITY FROM CRACOW AND ITS ENVIRONS KILLED BY THE NAZIS DURING WORLD WAR II."​

To end the day that started at a place as horrible as Auschwitz not on a fun note, but an optimistic one, and celebrate the beautiful community from which evil tried to take from this city, we took the light rail to Kazimierz. One of the big values to appear as a theme in Judaism is resilience: a people that can survive anything no matter what. And this beautiful, kind, thriving community is a testament to that.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A building sandwiched between two smaller buildings with an archway topped by a menorah-shaped light.​

Kazimierz, named for the same Kazimierz III you saw in the mine, is one of those places that's more of a vibe than a specific attraction. Yes, there's a synagogue there and a Jewish cemetery that were closed by the time we arrived for dinner, but it's just the experience of being there and eating there and being among the community that I felt most rewarding.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A restaurant has three windows looking out of doors under signs in Polish, with ads on their inside faces.​

We looked around for a while for the kind of Ashkenazi food I was hoping to find, to find this place with storefronts to nowhere and ads for food that seemed very affordable. What the hell's this? We thought, looking at the random signs in Polish. We decided to step in and give it a whirl, not realizing we might have stumbled into the coolest Krakow restaurant the internet has never heard of.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A restaurant with two halves, one in a green grocery store, the other in a dingy workshop with tools hanging from the walls. A jagged column of bricks separates them at the very end.​

We stepped into a dark, dreary tailor's shop, which extended through the bricks of a non-existent wall into a blue-painted furniture store. "Once Upon A Time In Kazimierz," read the menu themed as a newspaper. The restaurant concept? Four businesses separated by barriers that have melted away, Krakow's Jewish community that lived in Old Kazimierz was one, big, loving community. And this restaurant celebrates that by setting up shop in four different period businesses. We took a seat on the couch in the carpenter's shop, and cracked open the menu.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A white plate shows three squares of cracker-like crispy bread and three sauce cups of two white sauces and a red pepper paste.​

Matzo was brought to us, an unleavened Jewish bread commonly eaten during Passover. We also ordered us a gefiltefish, a kosher fish product that goes great on this! The Klezmer music they play started getting really upbeat and crazy as Drew and I's alcohol started to toy with us, he shot me a smile and said "okay, this is what I came here for."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A plate of light and dark chicken meat chunks with onions, garnished with greens and a magenta flower.​

Drew got duck again, whereas I felt like going totally crazy and trying something I'd never seen before: the Jerusalem Mix. This chicken dish consists of breast chunks, livers, and hearts sauteed in a Middle Eastern spice blend. Wasn't the biggest fan of the liver texture, but I'm a certified chicken heart guy now! Also got some cabbage and beetroot to pair, and my fair share of beer and vodka.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett drinks from a small wine glass a colorless liquid at an outdoor dining area.​

On the way out, we were approached by another cute Polish woman who offered us to this restaurant, Awiw (pronounced "Aviv"), so Drew and I sat down and did one more shot for the hell of it before returning to the Airbnb. I had forgotten quite what my grandma said to say when toasting in Polish, so she told us it was "na zdrowie." So with a big "za zdrowie!" (my grandma said za instead of na for some reason), we made what would've been the first bad decision of the night had we drank literally anymore, and headed back to the apartment. Zadra needs us tomorrow!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles in front of a synagogue gate with Hebrew characters over its curved arch.​

During our meal, we heard some sort of racket outside, and when we turned, it was a giant procession of kids in kippahs, which looked like a bar mitzvah, running through the streets. They were clapping, cheering, partying, and just having a hell of a time celebrating as their culture celebrates. It was the most beautiful thing, and moments like this that make the exertion that is international travel worth the money, the time difference with loved ones, and the weeks in an unfamiliar environment.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A red steel roller coaster with a Vekoma train themed as a black checkered race car makes a tight curve.​

UP NEXT: Drew and I take on the most wacked-out Rollercoaster Tycoon park I've ever seen as we head to Poland's Cedar Point: the legendary Energylandia and its massive lineup of fifteen cloned filler credits and four world-class coasters. Zadra, the big dog of the trip, gets its chance to leave the competition in splinters as I rank the last RMC coaster in Europe I need to ride to complete the set. Can we get all 19 coasters and credit after Drew's Zabka cravings make us miss the bus to the park? Stick around for a full writeup of one of the most bizarre parks I've ever seen!

 

[Jarrett]

Day 2

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Behind some pine trees, a few curves of red RMC I-box track curves low to the ground, with a train themed as a wood and steel battering ram flying over a shallow airtime hill.​

It's Europe's Cedar Point, they call it. A massive complex of nineteen coasters (plus one on the way), all with their own terrifying ways of extracting adrenaline from their riders. You have grand castle ramparts towering over the gates, whole cities made of candy, fortified medieval squares, and even ancient Atlantean ruins. An RMC, an Intamin winged outer seats, and not one but two very good Vekoma LSM launchers. And it's always dead, everything is a walk on or close to it. What's not to like? This should be the top park in Europe! We're spending two days at Europa, let's do two here too!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a water feature, one sees a Vekoma junior boomerang lift spike rise up towards a Vekoma mine train.​

Well, there's a catch to that partial truth. Yes, Energylandia is huge, yes parts of it are themed beautifully, yes they have a lot of coasters, but there's a catch: 75% of those 19 credits are filler. Random Wacky Worms, Big Thunder without the theming, two kiddie boomerangs, an SLC, I believe literally every coaster beyond their four headliners are low quality clones purchased off the shelf. This creates a very unique lineup dynamic where you're enjoying the good stuff while feverishly scooping up meaningless credits.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett's hand holds a train ticket.​

We had another early morning, not 5 am early, but still bad. We were already cutting it close to the bus stop, when I suggest we swing into Zabka (Polish convenience store) and get something quick to eat on the bus. Drew wants chicken fingers, as other food makes him motion sick. Problem is? It takes two minutes to fry them. So we hoof it, almost making it to the bus station in time...and then we can't find the bus, nor anyone to help us. When we do, the bus has left without us, so they direct us to a train that'll get us there. Drew owns up to his time-wasting chicken fingers mistake and buys us both tickets to Zator Park Station, which is, ironically, on the line to Oswecim, where we were yesterday. After a few less-than-pleasant interactions trying to find our platform, we found our train to Energylandia.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Out a train window, one sees a platform and a small, rural farm.​

So we unpacked our Zabka, enjoyed food and drinks on the train, and I made Drew switch seats with me when I realized the bro with motion sickness was going backwards right across from me.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett drinks a Mountain Dew Zero Cukru on a train.​

My partner always tells me I'm part of the "Mtn Dew Cult" back at home so naturally, I got some Diet Dew to keep me awake on the ride.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across an intersection, one can see an RMC outward-banked turn and a Ferris wheel.​

Eventually, out the window emerges the biggest, most dramatic skyline to a park I had ever seen in Europe. Hyperion and Zadra tower high over a wide expanse of just about everything you can expect to see at a theme park.

The walk from the train station is slightly uphill and takes about a mile on not-so-nice rural roads that you share with cars and no sidewalk. And it's a walk you will probably do with a bunch of dip**** schoolkids that were turned loose on the train without their parents.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A majestic castle entrance bears the Energylandia logo and some yellow windows and banners showing park insignias and mascots, with a tall black steel coaster rising over it.​

Hello, Energylandia! You walk up under Hyperion and under this Disney-esque castle entrance.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Behind a wooden sign reading "Wonder Wheel," a tall red and brown RMC coaster with a lift truss and stall rises from behind a grove of trees.​

And after being just outside the fence from Zadra and walking back up front to enter...we walk right back to the back of the park to clean out my European RMC set!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A midway themed as a medieval town with a wooden covered bridge over the path, and a corner of wood-supported red rails rising over it all.​

Wasting no time, we got right in line, which is in the back of this cool medieval-themed midway.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone wall with ramparts holds a logo reading "ZADRA" in a pointy font, with the words "WEJSCIE/ENTRANCE" in the corner of an archway. It also says "made in MALOPOLSKA" in the corner next to a colorful logo shaped like the letter M.​

Last coaster to tick off before completing every RMC coaster in Europe! Themed to a battering ram, "Zadra" is the Polish word meaning "to splinter" or "to break apart." Let's see if it smashes through my rankings!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a wall, shelves hold pieces of red I-box rails and galvanized brackets of folded sheet metal, under a piece of concept art and an aerial construction photo of Zadra.​

The park has this cool little mini museum to the ride behind the grated gates behind the entrance. Pieces of track, brackets, and rail laminate are displayed alongside concept art and medieval props, such as shields and suits of armor.

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7635050345248427294

We just walked from the train station at the back of the park...to the front of the park to enter the park...and back to the back of Energylandia again. But nope! Zadra has an insanely long Boss/American Eagle-style queue full of stairs to overpasses. It takes forever to get out to this!

After this, there's a locker drop similar to Wildcat's Revenge, where it costs about $5 for a wristband to use every double-sided locker in the park for the rest of the day. Bags bags go in here, they have little shelves on the station platform to drop phones and glasses and pocket items you might not want to be without.

Ah, Autoqueue. This is a great system that badly confused me at first because of one single poor translation. The ride splits into three lines, each with a turnstile with a counter. One is for their fast pass system, the far right says standby, but the middle reads "First Ride." Why is there a different queue if it's your first ride? Upon finding an employee, I was informed that "First Ride" is an unclear translation for "Front Row." Basically, the turnstile opens for a select number of people to step through. It is a way to do grouping autonomously, the numbers counting down, which I thought initially were time, were actually numbers of people to step through. This is present on Zadra, Hyperion, and Abyssus in some form. I found it unclear and confusing at first, but it turns out I'm just an idiot.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Around a curve, a battering ram-themed coaster train navigates red track on wooden truss supports.​

My first ride was in the back row, Drew got separated and rode middle, and both of us were very impressed! Didn't quite have the bite of Iron Gwazi, but every single element hit solidly and rode just about like you'd expect, which for RMC, is a very high bar. It's great, but it's not surprising that it's great, it's a large RMC with a good layout and you get exactly what you expect.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles wearing an Untamed shirt and Wildfire hat and holds a sign reading "EVERY RMC COASTER IN EUROPE" with the RMC logo surrounded by the EU's stars and a Swedish, Dutch, and Polish flag at the bottom. Zadra exits its stall in the background.​

And that does it! Every RMC in Europe is in the bag, from the fjards of Sverige to the polders of Nederland. I loved the ride, I knew it would be top five for sure, but I wasn't sure where to put it.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett and Drew take a photo with a couple wearing shirts reading "Lucky Looping" in front of Zadra.​

While getting this photo, another train was put on (yay!), and we met this cool German enthusiast couple who owned Lucky Looping, a company making coaster hoodies with zipper pockets in the chest.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wood and stone medieval gateway bears a purple sign reading "FRIDA."​

Drew wanted to take a break before he lost his breakfast, so per our agreement, he'd sit out the garbage while I padded my count with clones. Frida, a little Vekoma family coaster similar to the one installed at Enchanted Parks St. Louis, was just across the midway, so I knocked it out. Cute ride, honestly, and it went over a pond with these little lily pads. One and done, and one of many.

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7643995490303888671

Draken was another nearby coaster that was an easy grab, and Drew was feeling up to it, so we rode this pointless kiddie coaster surrounded by landscaping boulders.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall truss-supported roller coaster sends a train down a near-vertical drop on red rails, with a dark, wood and stone medieval building in the foreground.​

Zadra was a near walk on with the second train online, so I decided to take that "First Ride" in the front row and get that coveted front seat POV.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A battering ram-themed train dives down a turnaround on red track supported by wooden trusses.​

Wow was I blown away! This was a major surprise in the front, it's so fast, so smooth, and feels like a more cold, calculated take on Iron Gwazi, taking an amazing but flawed layout and streamlining it to work a little better. Every element hits, there's no dead spots, and it's always doing something with what momentum is there. Ironic considering their themes, but if Iron Gwazi is a blunt, heavy sledgehammer, Zadra is a sharp, pointy rapier.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A train twists into an inversion on red track into wooden supports.​

This was the ride I needed to confidently put this ride in my top 5, landing at #3. Truss lift, low to the ground, high momentum layout with a lot of emphasis on fast transitions verses just an onslaught of airtime hills. You have Iron Gwazi’s outward turn and snappy transitions, one of those epic zero-g stalls mounted under a lift truss, a few killer airtime hills, and even a little time inside the support structure. Aside from that awesome initial turnaround that’s kind of Zadra’s unique trait, it’s a very “by the books” RMC, but that just means it’s a solid world class coaster.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A stone sign reads "ABYSSUS" under art depicting waves and coaster track, with an inversion of blue coaster track in the background against blue sky.​

Continuing around, we found ourselves at Aqualantis for Abyssus. This gorgeous Atlantis-themed midway has a touch of steampunk amid the ruins, the alt history nerd in me was a kid in a candy store.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train themed like a wooden boat twists up and out from under a submarine trench lined with brick.​

Abyssus is a Vekoma multi-launch, one of two launched Vekoma thrill coasters in the park, and by far the longer of the two. Two launches await ruins explorers in their boat-themed trains: one into a mild family-esque segment, one into the main ride.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pile of ruined wall bricks and columns with a riveted steel boat crashed through the ruins.​

The queue here is gorgeous! Like Zadra, there’s a lot of pointless up and down and around, but at least it feels like you’re exploring an ancient acropolis.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train themed as a blue, riveted boat navigates a corkscrew of blue track.​

Abyssus is great! First half is pretty tame, a little Big Bear Mountain, but it works as a fake out when you’re blasted through a temple-themed tunnel and into a sick top hat into the rest of the layout. There’s airtime, there’s snappy transitions, brisk little inversions, and of course the ride’s signature underwater batwing that wraps the queue and dives twice under the station. Easily one of new Vekoma’s best creations, it’s not the intense ejector machine that Zadra is, but that’s not the point of these.

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7634473288466451743

Drew ralphed those chicken fingers in a trash can moments after we got off, so I decided to do a ride he had no business riding while sick and didn’t care about: Ekipa Light Explorers.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A few rides present across the water, including a wavy length of kiddie coaster track that crosses an arch.​

It’s a clone of Fårup Sommerland’s Saven in Denmark, and like its twin, it’s a short, linear layout that plays with the surface on which it sits. Cool bobbing and weaving around the water and ruins, though, and the station is beautifully themed like a Minoan lighthouse. One and done.

​

From here, we elected to head to the front of the park, and Drew found in the vending machine a Mountain Dew flavor we do not have at home. It was fruity, but not like the sugar rush you get with American pop.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A race car-themed train twists downward at a sharp angle.​

We were racing through this lineup as fast as we could, and Formula was next! This was the addition that put Energylandia on the map, and to be honest, when I saw the layout during its construction, I was skeptical. How is the company that brought you masterpieces like Kong and Ninja going to pull off a tight transition out of a loop all the way at 3 o’clock??? I was very vocal in 2016 that there was no way Vekoma could pull this off.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tent-style station with station gates separated by checkered racing stoplights.​

The wait was incredibly short. They were running one train, but we’re talking a ride that’s maybe twenty seconds long, so like a Maxx Force situation. I got right on no trouble, amid good but gaudy racing theming.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster car themed as a black and checkered race car navigates a curve of red steel track.​

I’ve known I owe Vekoma an apology for all the trash I talked about this ride when it was built because of Fønix, Siren’s Curse, and Abyssus, so now I’m willing to call it even between my trashing Formula and them building Kong. This is great! There isn’t really a standout element, it’s short, but the launch sequence is good and, contrary to what I expected in 2015, it’s so smooth. It’s not Siren’s Curse, but it wasn’t supposed to be. This was supposed to be a manufacturer testing a ride system for the big leagues with a small, simple layout and it worked. The 2020s Vekoma Renaissance, and Energylandia as a whole, owes a lot to this feisty little launched coaster.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick building decorated with skulls reads "MONSTER HOUSE" over the entrance.​

We went to Hyperion next, but on the way found this weird operator-less dark ride. You go into a dark room, almost too dark to see the car, and sit down and it starts moving. The actual theming on the ride was absolute trash and consisted of plastic figures that suspiciously resembled the Xenomorphs from Drew’s beloved Alien franchise. Worst dark ride ever and you have to do it for the laugh.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall Intamin hypercoaster painted black.​

Okay, Hyperion time! We walked under this Intamin Winged Outer Seats when we entered the park, let’s see if this space-themed ride really does fly high above Skyrush.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster station reads "HYPER_NOVI STATION" in neon with a Pepsi logo and sci-fi accents.​

The queue is totally insane, think Six Flags Great Adventure’s ridiculous “several tiers of wheelchair ramps” up and then back down, with another auto queue at the bottom barely twenty minutes even on one train. I loved the theming here! I'm a space nerd so this had me full on geeking out.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An Intamin winged outer seats dives down its drop of black track.​

Color me impressed, it is better! Smoother, faster, not quite as intense, but the layout is all in all better. Amazing drop that really lets you feel that free fall, great first airtime hill, and that turnaround dive feels so agile. Only gripe is that it does lose momentum towards the end, and the deck of the train extends out under the wings, but what it lacks in airtime it makes up for greatly in a cool layout. It’s like Kondaa meets Cheetah Hunt!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train themed like a black race car with checkered flag accents navigates a twist of track over an airtime hill and a zero-g roll in the background.​

Wanting to backtrack so Drew could hit Formula, we ended up taking another lap. “It’s not on one train,” Drew questioned my judgement because the train that left the station returned just seconds later.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From behind some bamboo, rises a red roller coaster suspended beneath the track.​

He decided he was done riding for the day, and I wanted another spin on Zadra, so I decided to just make our way back there and pick up stragglers. Mayan, a hideous red T3-looking SLC, was nearby, so I sucked it up and did it. And it actually was not bad at all by SLC standards. Rattly, yes, but I was pleasantly surprised it didn’t totally knock me around.

My biggest problem? Every time I get wrecked on some god awful POS coaster and get it on camera, the people laughing at my pain make it break the internet. Nobody will watch this if I was not in complete agony.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Under a stone arch topped with a cartoon bat, a tower has a spike of curved purple track rising through it to a dead end.​

Someone remind me again why we need two of these? Boomerang was next, which was themed as this cute bat in a little Alpine house. Same layout as Snoopy’s Soapbox back at home with some better theming. One and done, but it feels a little "spamming premade layouts in Rollercoaster Tycoon" to have this and Ekipa in the same park.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Behind a facade meant to look like a Viking ship with shields and paddles is a series of tight Wild Mouse turns of coaster track.​

Wanted to hit Viking next because I was here, but I was walk of shamed not for my gut but for my arm. No elbow room on this trash, and I hear it’s the worst coaster in Poland so I doubt I was missing much.

We headed back to Choco Chip Creek, which had an adorable, obnoxiously long, empty queue for me to go up, down, and around. This ride even has a colorful stoner video preshow that tells you you’re on like a mine train to dig up chocolate or something.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An entrance themed like a mine with candy rocks embedded in the stone reads "CHOCOL CHIP CREEK; THE BEST CHOCOCLATE EVER!"​

But at the end of it, it’s Big Thunder with even less theming than Calamity Mine. Theres scaffold around the ride, but no actual theming, almost as if they started building it and abandoned it. WTF Energylandia?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From under an Atlantean-themed coaster station, a boat-themed train emerges from a tunnel of blue track.​

Decided to take the scenic route back to Zadra and hit Abyssus on the way, this is such a good coaster! I might like it better than Hyperion, even.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An RMC coaster with a truss lift and stall sends its train through the stall on the underside of its arch-shaped support truss.​

Ah, Zadra. Last ride was a middle seat, and like Wildcat’s Revenge, don’t count the middle rows out on this coaster! It’s fast, smooth, comfortable, and just such a beautiful machine no matter what sort of ride you get. This is, to me, the perfect hyper-hybrid coaster, my only complaint is that there isn't more of it but I'll take less of a better element mix than a longer layout that's repetitive to a flaw.

JARRETT'S USA AND EUROPE RMC RANKINGS:​

1. ArieForce One

2. Wildfire

3. Zadra

4. Iron Gwazi

5. Railblazer

6. Steel Vengeance

7. Untamed

8. Wildcat’s Revenge

9. Twisted Timbers

10. Fire Runner

11. Twisted Colossus

12. Lightning Rod

13. Iron Rattler

14. Wicked Cyclone

15. Jersey Devil Coaster

16. YoY Thrill

17. Outlaw Run

18. Twisted Cyclone

19. Wonder Woman Golden Lasso Coaster

20. Storm Chaser

21. New Texas Giant

22. Goliath

23. YoY Chill

24. Joker

25. Fire In The Hole

This encompasses every unique RMC coaster in the USA (Wonder Woman SFMM and Stunt Pilot I've not ridden, but I've ridden near clones of both), with both most coasters living up to their hype as well as a few good upsets in there.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rusty cartoon truck with uncivilized features and buck teeth has its eyes on the windshields and serves as an ice cream stand.​

JEREMY CLARKSON VOICE: "On the way out, we ran into a certain buck-toothed rusty truck that enjoys cheap alcohol and poor decisions. He's not Tow Mater, but he is Tow Mater's Slavic cousin."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Through a glary window, one sees Energylandia's castle entrance in front of setting sun.​

Unable to risk getting stuck in Zator, as the last train of the day leaves before the park closes for some reason, we made it a point to be punctual on the bus. After Drew got us a chicken bucket to split and I ran and pissed in the ten minutes before we left, and we recuperated after running through enemy fire snagging nineteen credits in seven hours.

I looked on Coaster-Count, logged my progress, and counted eleven credits logged to my name today, not good by percentage, but the only notable thing missed was that Intamin water coaster we intentionally skipped due to it being chilly. Literally everything else was cloned family/kiddie garbage, including a Wacky Worm I didn't even see all day walking around this place.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett and Drew smile for the camera with a lion, bunny, and turtle mascot.​

This park is beautiful, they have four very good rides, but my god is it weird! It's like Maxx Force, Iron Gwazi, Pantheon, and Skyrush all got dropped in with a bunch of random clones, and some areas looking gorgeous while others are concrete Six Flags laziness. As big as it is, my advice if you come here is to just make one day and squeeze what you can out of it. You'll probably have no issues with everything worth riding, everything else is just bonus to pad your count for all you credit whores out there.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a river at sunset, one sees the walled complex of Wawel Castle high up on a hill.​

UP NEXT: Upon returning to Krakow, sweaty and tired, we get this gorgeous view across the Vistula. While we had kept open our option to come back to Energylandia tomorrow, it wasn't worth it for seven kiddie credits when it's our last day in Poland and Krakow is calling! Wawel Castle, shown here, was on the itinerary, as was Oskar Schindler's enamel factory. Plus, Drew got us into quite the unexpected adventure in another underground tunnel when we go searching for Krakow's legendary fire breathing dragon!

 

[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

Day 3

Now, who doesn’t love a solid city day? Whether it’s the politeness of Paris, the exemplary behavior of Amsterdam, the affordability of Copenhagen, or the excitement of Brussels, there’s something about exploring an iconic European city.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Before the large walls of a castle flying the Polish flag sits a copper dragon statue amid trees.
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While today was set aside as a flex day to probably go back to Energylandia, which would I rather do? Ride the train an hour each way for ten Wacky Worms and other credit whore trash, or spend the day exploring castles and dragons?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A series of buildings with tarnished spires atop a red brick wall.​

I'd booked us kind of an insane day. I got us tickets to Wawel Castle (pronounced "VA-vul"), Oskar Schindler's Enamel Factory, two days ago I'd promised Drew we would enter St. Mary's Basilica as we saw the night we arrived, and I had us dinner reservations for Czarna Kaczka, which is Polish for Black Duck, one of the most-recommended restaurants int he city.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett stands before a castle palace atop a red brick wall with ramparts.​

I’d done the castle thing a few times, most notably last spring in Luxembourg at Vianden. That was more a medieval military castle, built up on a hill with ramparts and weaponry on display. Wawel, on the other hand, was a bit later in period and more focused on its role as a dwelling for Poland’s kings and queens.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A series of towers and domes for a cathedral, ornately built from brick, slate, and copper.​

“You could easily spend six hours there,” we were told of this place on the Auschwitz/Salt Mine tour. There were two tickets you could purchase: Wawel Castle and Wawel Cathedral. Having promised Drew we would go to St. Mary’s at some point, we did the castle now as he had never seen one. Upon climbing the castle walls, you find yourself heading past the cathedral, notice the dragon gargoyles.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A black and white shot of a series of mezzanines with balustrades and arches overlooking a courtyard.​

Your tour of the castle begins in this courtyard. Here there's tickets, luggage room, kind of the base for your adventure.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A chandelier hangs from an ornate wooden ceiling in a white-walled room with tapestries and paintings on the wall. In the corner sits a small porcelain tower with ornate patterns painted upon it.​

As I said, this castle was a bit more "Bridgerton" and a little less "Lord of the Rings," so you won't be seeing pots of stew over roaring fires. One of the rooms, for a more modern Polish politician, even had a rotary telephone in it! But they did have the cool wine chillers you see in this photo, these towers were packed with ice to keep the alcohol cool.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a wooden dresser sits a blue and white porcelain pot. On the wall hangs a painting of a man surrounded by animals with a castle in the background.​

Much emphasis here was on the art that adorned these castle corridors, if you've ever been to the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam it's a similar vibe.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a red wallpaper hangs a wood painting of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus flanked by two angels playing instruments, with shiny gold halos around Jesus and the angels' heads.​

The Virgin and Child Enthroned By Two Angels, according to the audio guide, is one of the most famous paintings held here. This whole room had stunning goldwork on the paintings.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Atop a marble fireplace hangs a wide painting of a man with a lyre surrounded by animals, with a bleak hellscape in the background.​

Don't look back! This painting showed the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, famously portrayed in a dirty industrial setting in the Broadway musical Hadestown. I absolutely love Hadestown, so this was great to see. This shows the tragic end to the story, in which Orpheus escapes Hades's underworld but looks back at the following Eurydice, trapping her in hell forever.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A domed ceiling shows a series of ornate gold paneling and trim atop a chamber.​

This was probably the most beautiful room in the castle, both for this ceiling...

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Out a window protected by netting, one can see across the rooftops of Krakow, including St. Mary's Basilica.​

...and for the best view in Krakow! That's St. Mary's Basilica we saw on day zero, and plan to visit later today! Shame about the netting in the way, though.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A jade green clock with ornate gold leaf accents.​

If it strikes four times, Vecna snaps your neck and deletes your eye sockets. I love clocks as art pieces, for some reason.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Chinese porcelain vase showing a person doing tai chi.​

This room was darker and had more of an assorted art collection, including some Eastern influences. I know from my tai chi training that this is a movement called "play the lute."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A white statue showing the crucifixion of Christ with several detailed figures at the base of the crux.​

This crucifixion scene in the next room was insane! While it wasn't quite life-sized, it was still massive and full of detail. Imagine how much it had to take to sculpt all these people?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A statue of an angelic armored warrior with a gold outfit and wings wielding a spear and a shield reading "QUIS VI DEUX."​

There was also an incredible Archangel Michael in the same room, with a beautiful gold finish.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A marble bust of a portly man sits before a window overlooking Krakow, draped with a thin white curtain, silhouetting the statue.​

Obligatory narcissistic room of important white men's busts in a fancy hallway. I can't remember who this was, but he made for a good "villainous king" photo here.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A jade-colored castle room with a window, wine cooler, and portrait with an ornate wooden ceiling. Around the upper walls, a painted scene shows knights jousting.​

From here, the castle changes a little. It gets more colorful, a little dimmer, and a little more medieval. This was the tournament room, named for the scene of a joust around the upper wall trim.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Around an ornate wooden ceiling hanging a chandelier, the wall shows ​

This room had a similar setup, but featured a military scene of an army marching into battle.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tapestry shows a red shield-shaped coat of arms decorated with a crown and white eagle.​

This was badass! A tapestry here shows the famous red coat of arms and eagle, so famously associated with Poland. If you bought a souvenir here, have played as Poland in Civilization or a similar game, you've probably seen this.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate wooden armchair sits in a room atop some red velvety stairs before a tapestry showing Poland's eagle, with more ornate art all around the room.​

This was a royal audience chamber, not the dedicated throne room but it served the same function in some instances.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tapestry shows one man bludgeoning the other in the head.​

There were several tapestries on this side of the castle telling the story of Genesis. Being both a huge religion nerd and a fan of another musical, Children of Eden, this was cool to see. Here's my man Cain killing Abel.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rounded room's ceiling with baroque accents and rococo paintings on the inlays.​

Another room with an incredible ceiling and cool chandeliers.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small, baroque chamber of gold and amber colors with dramatic oil paintings.​

This side of the castle was a lot more ornate than when we got in. Like, it gets more and more beautiful the further in you get.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate, dark-colored room with chandeliers and a throne atop steps draped with a red carpet.​

And you end the tour here, in the legit, real, royal audience chamber. It's huge, dim, and very...dramatic.

We had a dragon to hunt! I'd been hearing murmurs around Krakow about some fire breathing dragon in the castle, and upon looking around, we found the Dragon's Den! For $5, you climb down a long spiral stairwell (watch your head!), and descend the castle wall into a small underground tunnel. This little cave tunnel, according to legend, was the dragon's den.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles before a bronze dragon statue perched on a rock in front of a castle.​

And outside the tunnel? We have the real dragon! This is probably the most touristy spot in Krakow, lots of those little tents selling souvenir junk, huge line to take a picture, the like. The statue is equipped to actually breathe fire via a blow torch in its mouth, but we had more important things to do. Our next tour was an Uber away, and the driver was hot on our dragon tails.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A propaganda poster in Polish shows Volodymyr Zelensky with an unflattering expression photoshopped onto Uncle Sam's body.​

Ah, the simple things that are different in Europe. Hushed, timeless streets, the hourly toll of the church bells, and the most unhinged political graffiti you will ever see. And it's on every surface and probably directed at us.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A series of panes wrapping around a concrete wall show an array of black and white headshots of people.​

Oskar Schindler's Enamel Factory was next on our agenda. This wasn't exactly something I had looked into or talked about much prior to coming. However, considering Schindler's List is not only a favorite film among my family, but objectively one of the best films ever made (if not the best), I had to come here. We had a guided tour here, also from a woman named Barbara.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A camouflage-painted tankette points its gun barrel at the camera.
​

I am not going to talk much about this as I typically do with the whole "museum infodump" blog post, because honestly, this place was kind of a letdown. It's incredible, but not in the way I was hoping. One thing I learned about Oskar Schindler today was that his story wasn't really common knowledge until Spielberg made his cinematic masterpiece that told the world of his deed. Therefore, for fifty years, this was just an ordinary industrial building. Nothing was done to preserve it and time just went along before circling back to this.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tipped aside metal truck holds a hopper of white gravel in a room with pebbles lining the floor.​

Today, Oskar Schindler's factory now serves as a more generic Holocaust museum, albeit an incredibly nice and artistic one, that focuses more on the Nazis in Krakow. Rooms designed to look like town streets with hate signs on the streetcars, the like. This room with gravel on the floor housed a quarry truck from Plaszow Forced Labor Camp not far from here. You may not know Plaszow by name, but if you've seen the film, this scene is etched into your mind. This was where Amon Goeth, played by Ralph Fiennes, famously and chillingly shot prisoners from his balcony over bathtub stains.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small, dimly lit office space with windows and a coat rack is furnished with a touch screen and display case, with incandescent lamps hanging from the ceiling.​

This was Oskar Schindler's office in the film, not in real life. But the staircase outside of it was in the movie as well.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden desk with a portfolio, a black box, a lamp, and some photos on its surface. A map of Europe adorns the wall behind a leather workchair.​

This was Schindler's real office. They actually were unaware of the huge map behind his desk until the place was remodeled and they discovered it. Behind this desk, one man saved millions of lives by doing nothing. The man employed so many Jews, not to get rich, not as a model of German productivity, but to keep them out of the camps. As a matter of fact, this place was a "model of non-production" during the war! Something was always down, something needed a part, anything to avoid actually making munitions for Hitler.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall transparent box is filled to the ceiling of the room with metal pots, plates, and bowls.​

In Schindler's office, an anomalous plexiglass cube is found across the hardwood floor, filled to the brim with metal pots and pans that had been enameled. Why? To remind us that these everyday objects saved lives.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cylindrical room has hundreds of names written around its curved surface in typewriter font.​

There are two portals into the metal box on either end, and when you enter, you find yourself in side a cylindrical chamber with hundreds of names surrounding you. This, right here, is Schindler's List. And to see a film and know he saved 1200 people is one thing, but to actually see 1200 names surrounding you from floor to ceiling? It really conveys the scale of Oskar Schindler's heroic deed.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Christmas diorama of Stalin hiding under a church with two UNRRA aid workers in crowns.​

Christmas Eve 1945, they had two nativity scenes: one showing two Nazis with Death himself, one showing the Soviets, both hiding from Allied bombings.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Christmas diorama showing Hitler, an SS officer, and the Grim Reaper hiding beneath a church.​

"One group is going to die, the other is going to starve," we were told. Happy stuff!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A crowd moves towards a hallway adorned with an extravagant portrait of Stalin in an elaborate frame bearing a Communist red star, flanked by red flags.​

When you leave a Holocaust exhibit in America, often it ends with liberation and VE Day. Winning the war, Mauthausen's band playing Star Spangled Banner, flag with fifty-six stars, hooray we won the war! But here in Krakow, the ending is a bit more bittersweet. You exit here, to the slow drone of Soviet propaganda music, and the floor is made of rubber to convey the wobbly instability Krakow now faced under totalitarian regime #2.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rusty steel cart with a wooden bottom and worn yellow paint reads "8 TRANSPORT 8" in white letters.​

As I said earlier, this place just kind of got swallowed by time, so there's not a lot of original infrastructure from the enamel factory to see. This wagon, they said, is one of the only surviving artifacts used by Schindler's employees.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A long building with irregular, pointed roof and glass doors. A totem pole sits outside.​

This building was the actual factory floor for Oskar Schindler and his employees. Now, it's been repurposed into a trendy art museum.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Drew looks through the eyeholes of a large, round stereoscope machine.​

All in all? I did like it, yes, but I felt kind of like I was beating a dead horse as a longtime Holocaust nerd in here. While there was some nice new info in the scope of specifically Krakow, I feel like I didn't learn much because I already knew the stuff. If you're like me and want to come here specifically as someone who likes Oskar Schindler's story or the film, and you're okay with not walking the factory floor as it appeared in the 1940's, go. But if you want to see an authentic, preserved time capsule immortalizing one man's heroism, you might be disappointed. HOWEVER, for a casual Krakow tourist that maybe doesn't want to or can't stomach the horrors of the long day trip to Auschwitz, this might be a good alternative.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A setup looks like a dark underground bomb bunker, with bunk beds and jarred rations on shelves.​

Honestly, the best thing here is simply the immersive presentation. These aren't just glass cases and placards; it's artistic and immersive and it's the best-looking Holocaust museum I've seen. If you've been to the US Holocaust Memorial Museum in DC, and you did the Daniel's Story children's exhibit, think like that but the whole museum is presented in that same immersive, set-like style.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cement storefront reads "APTEKA POD ORLEM" on a sign under a balcony.​

Ghetto Heroes Square was right where the light rail station was, so we figured we'd do one more dark thing before heading back to the light. The pharmacist who ran this shop, Tadeusz Pankiewicz, smuggled in medication and provided lifesaving treatment for the Jews walled up in Krakow's ghetto, which was once where we are standing. This man is another hero.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A large cobblestoned quad is decorated with large, empty, brazen chairs.​

And finally, right next to the Light Rail, is Ghetto Heroes Square. Everything you see here was once the gateway to a walled off section of town to cram Krakow's Jews into tight quarters, a precursor to the concentration camps. These large, empty chairs you see represent the same as an empty chair at a family dinner or academic commencement: the grim symbolism of one longer with us.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a bagel-like pastry with a stuffed panda stuffed into its hole, a large medieval cathedral rises in the background.​

Here, have something adorable to look at after seeing some of those things. After taking the light rail back to the Old Town, where dinner and the cathedral were, I snagged an Obwarzaniek to hold me over. Polish for Ouroboros, these bagel-like treats are on every street corner. Plus, Noodles fits inside!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall, vaulted cathedral with colorful red and blue walls painted with gold stars. A large pipe organ is framed with gold.​

Drew had asked if we could enter St. Mary's Basilica two days ago, so it was kind of now or never to deliver on that promise, plus I wanted to see it too. This cathedral costs to get in, but trust me, it's worth it.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall Catholic cathedral nave painted dramatically with red and blue colors, with tall stained glass windows, a gold altar, and a large Jesus statue on the cross over it all.​

I love me a good cathedral, and this is a very good cathedral, but Drew had never even seen a large, Catholic cathedral in Europe and this was his first one. Needless to say, he was blown away.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall painted cathedral wall with ornate designs and gold stars on the blue ceiling.​

Here, the art is supposed to resemble a night sky, with twinkling stars of gold against a dark aqua blue field. While I've not been there, conceptually it reminded me of the forest-inspired Sagrada Familia and its design to invoke tall trees.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small Catholic shrine with a Christ wearing a crown of thorns on the cross, a painting of a woman with a knife through her heart, and a gold reliquary containing something wrapped in dirty fabric.​

Relics of St. Theodore lived in this gold reliquary. As much as I love these cathedrals, I've not done much relic hunting, so it was cool to see this tradition in person.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hazily lit cathedral with glowing golden and crystaline chandeliers under hazy orange sunset through a stained glass window.​

Without getting on a soapbox, while I love these places and I love learning about different religions, I do not actually believe in one myself. To me, this is what makes sense, I am at peace with it, my life is better without it. And while it would be wrong to be a part of this for a number of reasons for me, I can't be the only atheist who sees some of this art, these places, and goes "damn, that's cool! Why can't I have a beautiful place like this for myself to go?" And I think that's kind of the point.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small Catholic shrine shows a scene featuring the Pope over a portrait of Pope John Paul II in papal garb.​

Pope Jan Pawel II, or John Paul II, is revered as a saint here in Krakow. The cathedral had a little nook dedicated to him over here.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dimly lit nave with golden accents and a red and white stained glass window.​

The lighting we got here was perfect. This might be the most beautiful church I've seen in Europe, and that's not a statement I make lightly.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall, ornate altar of gold with elaborate stained glass windows behind it, rising high in colorful panes depicting Christian art, amid the stars of the building.​

After a romp around, we headed out for our dinner reservation, via an egress with a wheelchair ramp. But this place is absolutely incredible. This is the colorful cathedral, the one that uses not its sheer size, not its coastal mountain location, but the rainbow of Noah to give its congregation that spiritual experience. It was almost like the hand-painted Protestant church of rural Sverige was Catholic.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A modest but beautiful restaurant with white walls, unfinished wood gabled ceiling, and mirrors decorated with insignias of flying ducks.​

Our dinner reservation was made on our first night, and had to be pushed to the last night as this place was that good. Czarna Kaczka, Polish for "Black Duck," would be our final meal in Krakow. While this was a Polish restaurant, it was giving me "New Nordic" energy both in the decor and food on the menu. Kind of a folk horror vibe of something being beautiful but slightly unsettling in a way that makes it more beautiful.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A spread of maroon, amber, and coffee-colored vodka shots and a black plate of bread, pate, and pickles.​

Last night in Krakow? Bust out the vodka! We got these spreads of red currant, apple pie, and teakwood-flavored vodkas, wouldn't be complete without the complementary spread of duck pate and pickles.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A silver roasting pan is filled with a roast duck, potatoes, a baked apple, dumplings, and red cabbage.​

This is the "Before" shot of the Krakow roast duck we got to split. This whole duck (which pains me to eat as they're adorable), was cooked with dumplings, potatoes, Polish red cabbage, and this delicious roast apple stuffed with currants that wasn't even mentioned on the menu. My Polish-French-American grandmother makes the cabbage and potatoes regularly, so I felt like I was at grandma's house.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An empty roasting pan has only scraps of duck bones and red cabbage strewn about.​

Don't usually do this, but have an "After" photo. One of the best meals of my life, and I am never eating again after this.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall clocktower in Krakow's old town square at sunset.​

Can't leave Krakow without a bang! On the way back, some guy advertising his Indian restaurant asks us "Can I ask you a personal question?" When I reluctantly agree, he starts following us and asks "are you democrats or republicans?" When I answer honestly, and tell him we are on his side, he starts following us grilling us about America's gun laws. While I think we agreed on the policy, I felt uncomfortable, so I told him we would gladly swing by his place to sample the fare and discuss it further with him. Told him our flight was at 3 so we'd be there at 11 to grab lunch and talk American politics before leaving Poland. Just, you know, so he'd stop following us down the street.

Our flight was at 11. While this guy was waiting on us, we were high in the sky on a plane to Germany.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett stands under the high starry ceilings of St. Mary's Basilica.​

"The land of your ancestors," my grandmother told me days before I left. Poland was an odd case of me wanting to visit a country, but there were so many weird, little things making me want to go that I couldn't not come here. It's a cold, quiet land that's survived two trips to hell and back, people won't exactly roll out the red carpet for you, but maybe that's a blessing in disguise. You come here, it should be on you to crack that shell. Explore the place, exchange a simple "dzien dobry" with that restaurant server, it's something so wonderful you kind of have to work for it yourself and work your way in a little. It's worth it, I promise.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two tall cathedral spires of stone rise into blue skies.​

UP NEXT: Do Widzenia, Polska! Drew and I hop on a flight with the longest layover ever in Frankfurt, with enough time between flights for a beer and maybe to explore Western Germany a little. A crazy Lufthansa flight takes us from the (also crazy) KRK airport to catch a beautiful Rhine river train ride to Cologne, where a beautiful cathedral and a drunk singing German lady awaited! Phase 2, coming right up!

 

[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

Day 4

Not a lot of photos of this morning, because we had important fish to fry! Drew and I were off to KRK to catch our flight from Poland to our next country: Deutschland!

When I told Drew we had a layover in Germany per the Poland plan, he suggested maybe padding the Germany leg a bit more, and the next thing we knew, it was half the trip! We were off to finish the trip in a different half of Central Europe, with a very different history from Poland's.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A sunset photo of an iron arching bridge crossing the Rhine River towards a tall cathedral with two spires and a barge crossing underneath.



IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a small chocolate in a yellow wrapper reading "100; 1926|2026," with Lufthansa's crane logo.
​

I could type paragraphs and paragraphs about what happened the morning we left our AirBNB for the airport and the subsequent crazy flight, but I'll just TL;DR it so we can get to the chaos in Germany faster:

• Poland dresses their TSA in scary army green uniforms.
• After checking in yesterday, I saw we had our seats moved due to an airplane swap.
• Drew's boarding pass was on my phone. I stepped through the gate after scanning mine, then handed it back to him to scan. When it set off an alarm, I casually apologized and some guy that looked like Volodymyr Zelensky screamed at me to hand it to him.
• Both of us had our bags searched by KRK security.
• KRK is a crowded mess with no seating.
• When I scan my boarding pass, "SEATING EMERGENCY" pops up. We had been moved into an exit row, and because of my Hidden Disabilities Sunflower lanyard, I'm not allowed to fly there. I know this, I don't book exit rows for that reason, but we were moved into one because of the tail swap. So Lufthansa had to scramble to seat us, putting us both riding bitch one in front of the other.
• I made Drew sit in front of me, considering his epic vomit upon our descent into Poland.

Despite the delay in takeoff due to the plane taking too damn long to board, we didn't land terribly late.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass bottle of Paulaner Munchener beer sits on an airplane traytable.​

Honestly, you can't really put a global-scaled airline under a microscope until you've flown internationally with them, so this flight was honestly pretty textbook. My big memory with Lufthansa, of all things, was being served Paualner Muchener in a glass bottle, something that would be a huge no-no back in the States post-9/11.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a large pretzel dotted with sesame seeds against a train platform.​

Our Germany leg was to be based out of Panem's Europe's very own District 6 Frankfurt am Main. A travel hub for both air and rail travel that I heard was littered with drugs and poverty, but we wouldn't be there long and it was just stopover stuff. We managed to catch our tight train connection, even with enough time to grab a pretzel at the Frankfurt am Main Flughafen Bahnhof, or airport train station.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A riverside landscape with a small village against the Rhine, vineyards and a castle in the hills above.​

Our destination today was Köln, or Cologne, aboard the infamous Deutsch Bahn German train system. And we honestly had a great time! Didn't make great time, but had a great time. While it started off typical Frankfurt dystopian, the ride here is beautiful, hugging the Rhine and showing off all of Germany's little Rhine valley villages and castles.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A screenshot shows ICE 1228 interrupted by track repairs, intervention by authorities, and disposal of unexploded ordinance.​

However, we got Deutsch Bahn'd when our ETA was delayed a for a very explosive reason! I saw this in the app, asked a buddy, turns out that old WWII bombs sometimes get dug up around here in construction. The delay caused by the need to detonate this bomb set us back about an hour, putting us in Köln at about 5 pm Germany time. I'll count that as a W, the line was supposed to continue on to Amsterdam, but was canceled at this stop.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A train traytable holds a container of fries, bratwurst, and curry sauce with a beer and wooden silverware. Out the window, the train crosses a river next to a pretty German village.​

Ah, I was on a train in Germany, so I cracked open my laptop, wrote, and enjoyed myself a currywurst and a beer!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A platform shows many trains coming and going under an ornate, girdered roof.​

Hello, Köln! I loved this station, it was like something from a dystopian steampunk novel. Okay, a lot of Germany looks dystopian, despite being a good, progressive nation with high standards of living. I love me some industrial grit, what can I say?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A massive Gothic cathedral with twin spires and ornate stonework facade.​

Outside the train station, a screaming unhoused man attracted the attention of police, who were there to moderate a peaceful Free Palestine protest. But this commotion was effortlessly dwarfed by the main destination of the day: the enormous Cologne Cathedral.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate iron door under an arch, flanked by statues.​

No bags inside the cathedral, so Drew and I kind of tag teamed it. One played bag lady, one went inside to feel the wrath of god.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dimly lit church sanctuary with tall, pointed windows.​

This place is massive! Definitely the biggest cathedral I've been in, a bit more humble in the decor thank St. Mary's, but Kolner Dom's beauty isn't in colors and paint. This place is just huge, impressive architecture, where the Gothic style can really do its thing and stretch those pointed windows tall.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall, pointed stained glass window bathes the inside of a massive Gothic sanctuary.​

Not gonna lie, it looks absolutely angelic. Even as an atheist, stepping inside this building definitely qualifies as a spiritual experience.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An array of golden, glowing tealight candles in a church under a colorful stained glass window.​

Lit a candle for those who can't be here to welcome me home anymore. My father, grandpa, and a slew of little paws who'd rush to the door to see me.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small altar on the wall features a Madonna and some flowers.​

Mass was actually going on right now, so tourists were kind of limited to a little bullpen thing at the back of the cathedral, but having the music and incense going as I took photos only made my time here that much more special.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Atop an altar sits a golden reliquary shaped like three stacked caskets with pointed lids.​

While we couldn't get close with Mass going on, one interesting thing housed in this church is a very important Catholic relic: the Magi. The three wise men who visited the baby Christ bearing gifts are allegedly entombed in these three gold coffins. Is it actually them in the reliquary? Who knows. But apparently it has been opened and does contain human bones and scraps that were once robes.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A vertical photo of Kolner Dom's cross-shaped ceiling.​

Cathedrals are designed to have the aerial profile of a Christian crucifix.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A tall stained glass window full of tiny little pictograms.​

The most impressive thing about this place, which is almost a design flaw, is the sheer level of detail that went into everything despite its Biblical proportions. As massive as it is, the art goes down to the smallest, minuscule details. God knows how much time it would even take to see and understand every symbol, every icon, every art piece that makes up this incredible location.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: The exterior of the cathedral, with pointed spires and tall windows.​

"Not AI slop but looks like AI slop" is an aesthetic we do not talk about enough.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Across a bridge, one can see the iron arching trusses and the twin spires of Kolner Dom against the sunset reflected in the Rhine.​

From here, we elected to just walk across the bridge, as our hotel was across the Rhine.

[td]

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rail of rusty, colorful locks stands in the foreground against a teal bridge at sunset.​

Those "love locks" that are mostly associated with Paris and cause serious structural problems for bridges not designed to hold the weight of that much extra metal were a practice in Koln as well. The famous Rhine River bridge was full of them, with street vendors even selling overpriced Master locks for couples to lock to its rails!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett shoots his camera across the Rhine into the sun, with a view of a double arching steel bridge and a cathedral with two spires.​

Obligatory dramatic "camera shot into the sunset" photo.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An elevator door on a landing between two sets of stairs in the middle of a stairwell.​

We got to the hotel, where a pissed off German lady in a flashy crop top coldly let us in and checked us into the room, and I took a shower. The elevator for our luggage was nice, until we saw that this was the dumbest attempt at accessibility and the elevator dumps you literally between two flights of stairs on the landing.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett and Drew clink small glasses of beer at a bar.​

After we got back downstairs, the woman who checked us in saw us to the bar, got us set up, and apologized for being so crabby earlier. She gestured behind us the rowdiest, most elderly birthday party I'd ever seen, sitting around a high top like the Golden Girls. "They let off a glitter bomb in here earlier and I had to clean it up, they thought it was so funny," she grumbled.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A carousel of small drinking glasses behind a bar are filled with frothy beer, with a bottle of Coke next to it.​

"I will keep the drinks coming, when you are done, set your coaster atop your glass," we were instructed. The beers weren't huge, but she was filling them repeatedly with one of those little Oktoberfest carousels you see. The best part was a single Coke in the circle of cups, not sure if it was for the designated driver, the 13 year-old in their group, or if that was the same person.

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7658302654942055710

As we waited on our Schnitzel, one of the women grabbed a microphone and started singing something in German with an ABBA vibe for our "entertainment." By now, the rounds of beers were going to our heads, and this was funny to not only us, but to the bartender! She even told me to can it with my commentary because she was laughing too hard to work!

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7634787645696134431

"Your dinner includes a shot. Do you want me to be nice or do you want me to be mean?" she asked us. I said to be mean, and mean she was! Not sure what was in this shot, but I felt it the next morning!

​

UP NEXT: The first of two LEGENDARY German parks is on the itinerary as we take on a place that is as beautiful as it is hard to navigate: Phantasialand! A familiar face joins us for a romp around, up, down, inside, outside, over and down this compact and beautifully themed park! A bittersweet moment at F.L.Y. with my licensed pilot late father, the Chiapas line in scorching German heat, and a new #1 for one of us three awaits! Plus, the whole "never stop for the night" trope rears its ugly head as we pick the biggest dump in Europe to crash on our way to the Rhine Valley!

 

[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

Day 5

She was mean.

I still have no idea what the **** our bartender gave us to shoot last night, but I felt it. And to make matters worse, I wasn't clear-headed enough to fill my crappy Dollar Tree water bottle (a globetrotter's best friend!) before hitting the sack, and Keely's ibuprofen allergy means I've gotten out of the habit of traveling with it. She's also sober, maybe she's onto something!

[td]

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick and iron steampunk-themed building reads "AIRRAIL COMPANY TOR 2" on a large green girder, with red inverted coaster track curving in the foreground.
​

Today, we woke up with the intent of heading to a small park with six credits. But not just any small park with six credits, this was the legendary Phantasialand! Known around the world for the park's compact layout, beautiful themed areas, and thrill rides masterfully worked into said areas, this small park has international recognition as a top amusement industry destination that jockeys in the conversation for best park in Europe.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett, Drew, and Youri smile for the camera in an area themed as a steampunk city, with red coaster track weaving behind us.​

And today, we had company! Remember Youri? The Dutch enthusiast who ran into John and I at Plopsaland and again at Walibi Belgium, who went on to show us about Walibi Holland? And possibly the only thoosie to run into me twice at two different parks and live to tell about it? He made the lengthy trip from Nederland up to Deutschland, providing us both with a German-speaker who knew the park, and transportation/luggage storage for the day.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rough stonework building has a curving Viking rune on the chimney themed as a dragon.​

So after Youri snagged us outside the hotel in Cologne, he informed us it may be busy as it’s Labour Day in Germany. I thought every day was Labour Day for the highly industrious nation, but it’s ironically the one day of the year they aren’t busting their hintern. And this meant even more crowds to slam the compact park, so Youri showed us a shortcut through the back entrance.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden Viking winch and crane mechanism dangles ropes over stored vegetables and a barrel.​

Passing through that lowkey corner, we made a right into Klugheim where I saw firsthand what Phantasialand is all about. This place is incredible! Like, I know it’s shaped like a boring rectangle, but make no mistake: this area feels exactly like a natural fjord and everything you see is full of organic shapes and sightlines. This has the energy of a rough, unforgiving landscape that’s been roughly tamed.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train themed as faux Viking woodcarving careens through an overbank, through a formation of gray basalt columns resembling the jaws of a dragon with teeth.​

Taron was slated to be our first coaster of the day, with a winding queue that snakes up, around, and through the coaster in the most absurd RCT fashion. "Never take Keely here," Drew told me upon seeing how many stairs this park had. Youri told us we had about forty minutes left…and then the cattlepen is closed! “Schnellen, schnellen, schnellen!” The ride op screamed at me as I scrambled to break down my DSLR and stow it.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train with horns on the front hops over a hill and dives behind some basalt column formations.​

“New #1!” Drew exclaimed from behind, wagging his finger #1 in the air next to Youri. And while I didn’t put it nearly that high, Drew’s take was very valid. This thing really scoots! The tight layout and close proximity to the theming really adds to the sense of speed on this coaster. While I do think it suffers from some minor I305 syndrome, in that it’s pacing alternates between amazing, snappy maneuvers and slow turns, the greater variety of what the layout offers and theming makes me like it much more than the Virginia giga coaster.Amazing pops of airtime, a great snappy layout, and it’s wound so tightly you have no idea what’s actually going on.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A coaster train flies over a hill, with a twisted mess of track tangled into basalt columns in the background.​

Rather than single, standout elements, the ride is more about feeling a certain way as a whole, and I would learn that’s kind of how things are done here at Phantasialand.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A log flume set in a Mexican canyon flies over a hill and splashes into the blue water amid the red rocks. A black coaster rises through an African mud temple in the background.​

“We should do Chiapas next as it will get a line,” Youri led us over to Mexico past a Taron line spilling out of Klugheim. “What’s Chiapas again?” Drew asked. “Log flume,” Youri replied. “Why would we mess with a log flume?” He asked.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pool of water in red rocks has a wooden mining dredge splashing into it from a channel.​

“Because it’s supposed to be a really good one,” I informed him. “Like, one of the best rides here.” While they drop is 53 degrees on paper, staring it down it looks like a vertical cliff face. From what I’ve been told, saying Chiapas is just a log flume was like saying Steel Vengeance was just a roller coaster.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles in front of the Chiapas canyon, surrounded by colorful Mexican architecture and a flower box.
​

Maybe I’m not a log flume guy so I don’t “get” this ride, but I did “get” soaked by multiple splashes of freezing water. What the hell is this thing and why is it the second coming of Christ to some??? The turntables and switch track and backwards are cool, but honest take: the storytelling is dumb and the ride is, as Drew brought up, mostly just another log flume. Going in, I was loving the Indiana Jones vibe, and I liked the concept of mining dredges on a log flume with that theme, and I was getting excited for some cool trap animatronic to send us down that imposing drop…why oh why are they having a rave in the temple??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the music is a banger, but this just felt plain stupid! The drop, at least, was very good and scared me solidly, but it’s just one drop. And considering I was expecting a more scenic ride with one spritzy drop, and storytelling and I come off confused and dripping in cold water, yeah it let me down.

“They likely had the splash turned up as it’s going to get very hot today,” Youri told me. The high was 75 degrees.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Mortared into a masonry Spanish-styled masonry staircase, amid colorful Mexican tiles, is a white tile with blue border and yellow starfish. It bears a logo of a blue seahorse curling its tail around a yellow starfish, and reads below: "el milagro; ISLA MUJERES-MEXICO."​

I about shat bricks seeing this all the way in Germany! El Milagro, Spanish for "The Miracle," is a real resort villa in Isla Mujeres, and my family stayed there in 2013! This isn’t some fiberglass Disney World nonsense, we’re talking real Mexican tile work if this made it in the mix. Probably shipped a whole bunch of random assorted tiles over from Mexico and this by some miracle made it in!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A series of colorful Mexican paper flags fly under a green coaster with railroad-themed track.​

From there we took a toilet break, where I learned of Phantasialand’s disgusting smoking policy. Oh wait, what policy? You can just smoke anywhere you want on the midway and it’s gross.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rusty locomotive-themed coaster train climbs out of a helix of green railroad-themed track, over an array of colorful Mexican flags, with an African mud mosque in the background.​

While I pondered using the dryer, Colorado Adventure had a slow 40 minute wait, so that’s what we did. These Vekoma mine trains haven’t really done it for me, but I’ve only ridden the Big Thunder model with varying amounts of theming. But this thing secretly kicks ass! This is not a family coaster! The whip it has through the layout, tightly wound helices strategically packed into the Phantasialand cluster, and that insane drop through the tunnel (which, by the way, is a narrow envelope-hugging tube), make this the new best mine train in my book!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A footpath supported by a wooden truss and bearing heavy fencing on either side threads the loop of a black roller coaster.​

Heading into Deep In Africa, Youri told us that Black Mamba has "that thing you'd make on Rollercoaster Tycoon where the looping goes around a footpath."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a cardboard tray of a red stew garnished with flatbread, lime, and cilantro, with an African-themed midway in the background.​

Next on the agenda was food, where we got this really good peanut chicken stew. It was nice, flavorful, a little spicy, and had a nice hint of citrusy lime.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A rocky gorge has a crude wooden sign reading "STOP! THERE'S NO WAY FORWARD HERE!" With balls bearing narrow standing perches hanging from ropes over a thin but rushing waterway.​

They had this really cool adventure trail that ran close to Black Mamba. "Get your camera out, you get really close to Black Mamba," Youri advised me. Next thing I know, I've got $400 worth of equipment hanging around my neck as I hang on for dear life to a ball on a string swinging over rushing water! Yeah, amazing attraction, don't bring anything you need to hold onto.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An African-themed coaster train navigates a loop over a wooden bridge through the eye of the loop.​

Black Mamba was next, so I took the time in the queue to juice my phone up on the ol' portable charger and took photos. After boarding in the ride's really cool station, we got on no problem, and it's great! Reminds me a lot of Monster, which is another favorite invert of mine, and while I think this layout suffers from being a tad more limited, it's still great. I know this is a tiny coaster that doesn't go fast on paper, but they did such a good job at working it in and making every moment feel dynamic by interacting heavily with its surroundings.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A square with Germanic architecture surrounds a chairswing, packed full of people.​

Next in the rotation was Berlin, where normal people enter Phantasialand. Drew about **** bricks when Youri got into his bag and produced three beers from a lunchbox, a huge no-no in America's theme parks.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two Germanic-styled buildings, made of cement and stonework and decorated with glass, curved dormers, and a dome, surround a landscaped water feature.​

We were told that this square, which looks not far different from a standard main street entrance to a theme park, was supposed to be Germanic architecture. And it made sense, as many of the features I saw here resembled things I'd seen in other cities that speak Germanic languages like Copenhagen, Stockholm, Amsterdam and Cologne. Keely wants to go to Berlin in the future, this made me excited to.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wall painting of a woman holding toothpaste has a hole drilled in the plywood of the woman's mouth, secreting a white-yellow substance from her lips.​

We braved Phantasialand's funhouse next, which was honestly just hilarious. Not much different from the one at Toverland that John and I famously took on last spring, but the hotel theme was cute.

Someone please caption this photo.

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7661277817853807903

Alright, the reason we came here in the first place was just through this nook! My degree is in MET, I love all things mechanical, and steampunk might be my favorite theme commonly seen at amusement parks. Needless to say, I was pretty damn excited for F.L.Y. and Rookburgh.

​

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A building reading "TOR 2" on its brick and iron sides, complete with ornate Victorian glasswork, rises behind a red inverted roller coaster with black and silver trains carrying riders face-down on their undersides.

​

The whole day, I had felt like a kid at Disney for the first time again just being here. Riding the Mexico boat ride, my last ever coaster ride with my dad on Cheetah Hunt, wandering around an immersive African bazaar, I was seeing parallels to past wonders. But this? It was a whole new wonder, like I was that curious child again, experiencing this all for the very first time.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Through a porthole, one can see a small vintage office with a model of a Victorian building on a back shelf, the space is littered with papers.​

Oops I took too many photos. My phone was running out of storage, so as the queue did the Phantasialand thing and snaked every which way, I deleted GoPro footage I didn't need anymore. Cool queue, though! Some of it's just hot steel corridors with portholes out to Rookburgh, but they have this cool little inventor's nook with the concept model of the area on display.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From under a tower reading "PIER 5" on an ornate rusty plate supported by metal girders and a brick building, red coaster track curves away, with a black train carrying riders on their stomachs in prone-position under it.​

The flying coaster is kind of a niche ride concept that's been done a few times, and each rendition posed the same question: How do you load riders into a seated position, and move them into a prone position? And how do you get them out of said prone position in a pinch? B&M, Zamperla, and Vekoma the first time, all had some sort of vertical pivot-based system. But Vekoma's second go around with the flying coaster, they looked at the problem from a different angle, and pivoted the car horizontally relative to the track.

How does this solution make sense? Simply turn the track on its side. Such a brilliant, simple solution.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A washed out photo of coaster track weaving around a steampunk city, with fog obscuring the view.​

Down below Rookburgh near F.L.Y.'s loading platform, you have to take off your belt like you're visiting Drunk Uncle Tyler in jail again. Nothing can go with you on this coaster. Not your bandana, not a watch, and most definitely not your phone. I wear a blue rubber wristband that says "WWJD; What Would Joe Do?" for my late father when I travel. He was a pilot, it even has a cute little airplane on it. That went in too.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A flying coaster car banks along a red piece of inverted coaster track, with a steampunk cityscape and hot air balloon in the background.​

No photos in F.L.Y.'s station, as you can't take what you need to take them here. I noticed some of the theming here had a Mercedes-Benz logo on it, Youri informed me it was a real automotive engine that came from a truck. Think a queue line with rows that load you into what resembles a row of stadium seats with restraints mounted to a piece of horizontal track on the wall. You climb in, pull down the restraint, and sit with your back to the wall. From there, the seat moves sideways, past theming to the side of the track, that is now in front of you. Climbing up that incline, seeing the hangar open to that big beautiful airship while F.L.Y.'s beautiful soundtrack creschendoed gave me chills.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dark photo of a twisty maroon roller coaster, with its flying trains navigating a roll over some Victorian buildings behind two steel walkways.​

The car behind me rotated ninety degrees, as the track turned and banked upside-down, now holding us in the prone position under the track head-first. "Let's F.L.Y. like dad!" I cheered as we moved onto the launch stators. I knew there was no other ride on this waiting for us, nothing else like it in the world, nor would there ever be, this was a time to let loose, take it in, and live in the moment like never before.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: F.L.Y.'s inverted flying trains weave along one of two lengths of red track, under a steel gantry and between a Victorian mural and iron lamp.
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As with Phantasialand's other coasters, Taron in particular, F.L.Y. isn't so much about a sequence of specific elements, rather than a consistent feel to an experience. However, that feel blew the flying sensation out of the park! The pacing on this is insane, like you're strapped to a jet pack running a death-defying aerial gauntlet through the chaos that is Rookburgh. Is there any moment on this coaster that isn't about the smash into an iron girder??? The near misses are great here, you're quickly bouncing off of buildings and rapidly diving under walkways and winding tight helices as the world turns under you on its heel. The rolling maneuvers and mild Vekoma airtime really add to it as well, this experience is so limitless it's inspiring. For sixty-ish seconds, not even gravity matters aboard this coaster.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: From under an ironwork gantry holding a launch track, a coaster train carrying riders face down climbs red track out from a trench.
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Back in the lockers, we did the whole TSA recombobulation thing and retrieved our things. But when I went to put dad's wristband on, it vanished. I stretched it over my hand to get it on my wrist, but I felt something pop and it just exited my two fingers' grip on it. I'd lost dad's wristband! Panic set in as I got on my hands and knees with my phone flashlight, but I could not find it. Did it snap off and launch itself out of my hand? I barely even saw what happened, let alone where it went. When I explained to park employees what I'd lost, they all got on their hands and knees and looked for it, but we couldn't find it, sadly. "Dude, I'm so sorry," Youri told me.

"Your dad wanted to stick around and ride it again," Drew told me. I took comfort in this, knowing how my dad's taste in coasters was, the licensed pilot would have thought this thing was cool as hell.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A steampunk tri-wheel motorcycle with a canopy is parked at a low zone fence under a red roller coaster.​

We all grabbed another beer after this. Stella Artois for me, which was my dad's go to.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A brick wall has a sign reading "TOILETTE" with a Victorian motif, with a man and woman's faces wearing goggles on their top hats, a baby wearing goggles, and a person in a wheelchair with wheels made of gears.​

Drew told me to check out the bathrooms, which I did, and they're cool, not gonna lie, you even flush with an old school pull chain. But when I saw this, maybe this is time to address the elephant in the room: the park's lack of accessibility. While it's technically accessible, everything can be reached on wheels without the use of stairs, the layouts are convoluted and there are even signs displaying alternate, accessible ways to get to various rides and how far away they are. When you're this crammed, and have to pack things on top of each other, sometimes you have to do some crazy things with your footpaths, but I noticed even some of the stairs lacked yellow strips on the steps. But despite the clear and possibly unavoidable shortcomings, the park has a positive attitude towards accessibility. They even think people in wheelchairs are badasses driving cool mechanical vehicles, apparently!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate steampunk city with an airship and hot air balloon has two curves of red inverted coaster track crisscrossing a facade.
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I was on the fence about just hopping back on F.L.Y. after the experience moved me so much, but weighing it, Youri told me Winjas was an experience worth doing, so that's what we did and headed into Wuze Town under burning daylight.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A glass-roofed atrium has two lengths of turning coaster track before a tower of stone statues and wooden gears, with people riding in suspended buckets.​

Apparently there's lore here? Not sure what's going on here, but Wuze Town doesn't feel like Phantasialand. No, this was Toverland energy right here. I legit couldn't tell what aesthetic this was supposed to be, is it like a TV show or something?

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Amid a mess of coaster track, there's a suspended basket hanging from a beam and some plants.​

Winjas Fear, the only side we rode due to time constraints, features a cool bounce track and tilt track, which was interesting, but I was disappointed in the spinning. I played balancer and loaded it hella off balance, and on any other ride system, we'd have been ripping round and round, but this we barely worked up any spin. I think it's an issue with the ride system not having much radius between the four CGs that weight the car and the axis of rotation, but I applaud Phantasialand for creating a beautiful, themed experience, even one I didn't understand.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Germanic-built square features a chairswing, several buildings, and a green Victorian Park Info booth.​

I see the hype for Phantasialand! Slammed day meant we didn't get to experience 100% of the place, but I'm happy with what we did get to do, especially when two coasters are now in your top ten. F.L.Y landed at #7 for be between Helix and Railblazer, with Taron trailing after that, barely one-upping Velocicoaster and knocking it off the top ten combined list. This park might not have much land area, but I feel like that became its secret advantage. They couldn't sprawl wide like Energylandia, so they built tall, and created something truly special.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A train bistro car table holds a bottle and chalice of beer, and a plate containing a bowl of sliced bratwurst in red sauce and fries with a dinner roll.​

Youri dropped us off at Cologne Central's kiss and ride, where we caught our train back to Frankfurt, where we planned to stop for the night near the train station and catch a second, smaller train to Bacharach for culture the next morning. wouldn't be complete without a currywurst and a beer!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A dirty city street with a building glowing with pink windows and hearts.​

"This hotel is only $54 a night and it's just a block from Frankfurt station!" are famous last words here in Germany, and I feel like this is one of those "rite of passage" travel mistakes. Stepping out of the train station, the first thing I see are aid workers distributing food to these poor unhoused people! Garbage everywhere, the thing I felt crunch under my sneaker was a crackpipe, and some guy's girlfriend was running away from someone screaming. It was the longest block I'd walked in my life, avoiding eye contact with anyone. And across from our hotel were two seedy brothels, not like the safe "panic buttons and women cops" brothels of Amsterdam, but sketchy, nasty ones. Didn't know what went on behind those doors, and not sure I want to! We sealed our door via every locking mechanism it had, promised not to leave this room until the next day, and changed our hotel from here to elsewhere on the last night of the trip.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A traditional timber-framed German home with green windows and a crest reading "BACHARACH" stands at the base of a hill planted with winery grapevines.​

UP NEXT: Roll out the wine barrel! Tomorrow, we beat the German train system to the fairytale winery town of Bacharach Am Rhein! Timber-framed architecture, schnitzel, and all the Riesling you can drink are to be discovered in the countryside, where traditional German culture vibrantly explodes away from the industrial urban rat race of Cologne and Frankfurt.

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[Jarrett]

Date:4/25/2026-5/6/2026
Destination: Poland, Germany
Goal: Energylandia, Phantasialand, Europa Park, Poland Culture, Germany Culture
Distance: 4700 Miles
Means of Travel: Flying, Train, Tour Bus
Potential Credits: 40

Day 6

"I hate to do this to you," I grumbled at Drew at 7 in the morning, "but we're gonna have to get up now. The 9 o'clock train is canceled."

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A view from a German winery past vines and umbrellas, looking past timber-framed gables and a tower to a hillside winery planted with grapes.
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Today was slated to be our second culture day in Germany, this time focusing on more traditional life verses the grand utilitarianism of the city. I mean, who doesn't want to polka out with a stein in a traditional Biergarten surrounded by flowers and pretty timber-framed buildings? Problem is: this stereotype didn't really seem to exist in the city. So while watching Rhine travel content, they popped into this pretty town called Bacharach that looked like a stereotypical German village and it was settled. "Let's go there!" I pointed to the TV.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An out of focus hand flashes a peace sign out the window of a departing train.​

Deuces, most disgusting street in Europe! Hanging onto our possessions for dear life in the ominous Frankfurt morning, I dragged a cranky Drew, playing the role of Satan himself, to the train station, moving as quickly and kindly as he could considering he does not do mornings. But we made it and got on the train with time to spare.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Out a train window, vineyards rise into the hills surrounding the Rhine, with a boat moored on its banks.​

Eventually, we got going where we needed. One connection led to another, both were pretty easy, and before we knew it, we were on a busy little commuter train along the Rhine. Rudesheim, Bingen, the random towns that led to Bacharach were ones I'd remembered hearing about when I planned this leg.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles on a railroad track overpass, looking in front of a little German town in the hills.​

The early morning put us in Bacharach before 10, which gave us more time in the beautiful German town, but one issue: our hotel didn't check in until later. Fortunately, Hotel Zur Post was run by this really chill Hungarian woman who, through use of Google Translate, communicated to us that she'd have our room ready in twenty minutes. So we dropped our bags, went out, and explored a little.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A row of German buildings, two of which have timber frame architecture, lead up to a dark tower.​

Good morning, Bacharach!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Two German-styled timber framed hotels with dormers, gables, and turrets at the base of a green hill.​

Does it look stereotypically German? Absolutely. But most of those German stereotypes originate in Bavaria, and it's not all 100% like you see at your town's Oktoberfest. There are different ways "German-ness" can look, and it's going to look a little different here on the Rhine than it will in Bavaria.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cobblestoned German courtyard at the base of a wooded hill with Gothic chapel ruins at their tops.​

Most notably, while German is stereotypically beer country and their beer has been amazing, this is Germany's wine country. It shares many similarities with the Alsace region of France, we even snagged a bottle of Riesling at a market that was made right here in Bacharach. Plan was to eat at this Biergarten tonight and get some good wine and German food.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A pink hotel with window boxes says "Gästehaus Rheinromantik" on its sign, in the foreground of a white church framed with red brick.​

This was refreshing, not gonna lie. When we did France in 2022, we spent much of our time in little Normand villages like St. Vaast La Hogue and Barfleur, and I'd not really done the "small romantic European village" since. While culturally different, Bacharach has the same feel, even in ways I'd completely forgotten about. Every business in town being a mom and pop, the smell of amazing food in the street around meals, and just chill pacing life has in these places was so refreshing.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A German dining room with white walls painted with pretty frescoes of cows and an island in the Rhine.​

We had reservations for a little river cruise, so we snagged lunch early at this winery. It's beautiful inside, but we had a nice patio and we were gonna use it!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A bottle of wine with a B insignia says "BACHARACHER RIESLING" on a table next to a pergola covered in vines.​

Bacharacher Riesling comes from, well, Bacharach! I know most Americans think Riesling and think sweet, sugary wine that says Sutter Home on the bottle and costs $8, this is not real Riesling. This was a fair bit drier, but in a more acidic way than the bitterness that comes from a pinot grigio or chardonnay.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wooden pizza paddle holds an oval-shaped pie topped with cream, onions, bacon and ham.​

On the plate today was flamekuchen, a dish I've known as flemmekeuche, also called tarte flambee if you're in Alsace. The version my French grandmother makes eats like a medium to thin crust pizza, but here, it was more like a thin tortilla-like flatbread. I had the traditional toppings of onions, cream, ham and bacon, but Drew went a little crazy and got salmon and green onions. We swapped a slice and both were great!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An ornate stone and shingle tower with a red timber framed box window over a stone arch.​

As if our luck with transportation couldn't get any worse, we had a boat cruise that I had booked us through Booking advertising it as something to do in Bacharach. Well I pull it up...and it actually departs from Rudesheim? And there's no reliable way to reach it by car or bus unless you plan hours in advance. We took the L after trying to get an uber or cab to no avail...but then found that a similar cruise departs from Bacharach as a ferry!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A city park with benches and trees before a small European town at the foot of a hill growing grapes.​

We headed to the riverbank, which is a cute little public park with a boat dock.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett stands on the banks of a river looking across the water, with a black and red buff on his head.​

The Rhine River!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Drew stands on one foot atop a log on a riverbank, raising one foot in a crane stance.​

Damn, these Karate Kid remakes just get worse and worse.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A paddleboat called the Goethe makes its way down the Rhine, waving red and white flags.​

Here was our boat! It was an old school paddle wheeler, which I'd ridden before in Marietta as a child, but that was a sternwheeler. This was a sidewheeler, which featured two enclosed paddles on the sides.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hillside overlooking the water has a castle on terraces, with campers parked at the base by the river.​

I saw a graphic on Facebook saying that an advantage to living in Cologne is "Rhine Castle Weekends," and it took coming here to understand that. Cologne isn't much of a normal destination for normal people, it's very German in an industrious sense, and the people there are there to live and work as that entails. But hop on a train and you can be in not only Bacharach, but one of innumerable towns like it. Imagine being able to just pop your camper up at the base of a castle!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A church with a black steeple and two clocks in the corner stands before a small castle on a wooded hill.​

So you chill on this boat as it takes you up and down the Rhine, and there are little recordings that tell you about each town and castle you pass.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles into the camera, wearing a red and black headband and standing on a boat with green winery hills on the riverbanks.​

Drew and I both brought Survivor buffs, his yellow one was the merge from the ongoing Survivor 50, my red and black one was from the medieval-themed Survivor 44 and featured a castle-themed logo and dragons. Fitting to wear here!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small castle sits on a hillside at the edges of some cliffs.​

Apparently this castle belonged to a robber baron, so that's cool.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hand holds a green small wine bottle with a magenta label reading "LANIUS-KNAB 550 Oberwesel."​

Bacharach wakes up around 10-11, and from the moment the town wakes up, there's wine flowing. There was wine at the winery, yes, but you wait on the boat and there's wine for sale. And on the boat? You can purchase wine if you didn't have enough while waiting on said boat. And at Rudesheim, you can get it out of the coolers at a souvenir shop. I'm convinced the water in the Rhine River even tastes of Riesling!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An outdoor cafe and Romanesque Gothic church with an ornate spire featuring two segmented domes up to a cross of gold.​

We arrived at the banks of Rudesheim, with maybe forty minutes to turn around and come back. Drew went to a souvenir store, and when I got out with another wine (don't judge), he was talking to some high school kids on a field trip who were acting like they'd never seen an American before.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A church sanctuary with a rounded white wall with tall, thin, slot-like stained glass windows of colorful fragments pouring light over a Jesus statue.​

With our stop being so short, we popped into the cathedral in Rudesheim. Not quite Kolner Dom or St. Mary's, but it was beautiful, and had some clear Romanesque influence. I also burned myself lighting a candle, so there's that.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small riverside town, with classical European architecture and modern buildings combined.​

Taking the boat back, we passed Bingen, home of famous nun Hildegard of Bingen.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A black and white photo of a small tower with ramparts and a flag on the banks of a river.​

The "smallest castle on the Rhine," we were told of this building.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A bunch of vacationers on a boat on the river under hills.​

A white millennial couple on honeymoon with their crypto friends, a neurotic elderly woman, and a dysfunctional family take the boat to the White Lotus Resort, built in an old winery on the Rhine. However, upon arrival, they learn people have recently died in suspicious circumstances. Find out what happened over the last week on this season of The White Lotus!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A small white river cruise boat travels along the water downhill from a castle up on a rocky hillside.​

I knew we'd found somewhere special when I saw one of Viking's legendary river cruises taking passengers up the Rhine.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A hilltop castle overlooks a river, in which a cargo barge carries a German flag and cars down the Rhine.​

Old Germany and new Germany captured in one photo. This legendary river was a catalyst for so much political and economic activity, no wonder it's an icon with rich history.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A quaint German village nestled along a hilly forested riverbank from above.​

"Let's head up the hill and check out the ruins," I suggested as one more activity before dinner. The path up here is a bit hidden, but the views of Bacharach and the Rhine are killer!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Sunlight glows through a reddish-pink brick structure of polygonal towers with ornate pointed Gothic window frames amd gargoyles.​

The two buildings uphill from Bacharach that kind of "guard" the city are a castle at the very summit that operates as a hostel (glad they didn't have vacancies when we were there, I saw how high we'd have to lug our luggage!) and this ruins of the medieval Gothic Werner Chapel.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A medieval gothic chapel tower of reddish brick stands amid foliage against hills and a river.​

According to the placard nearby, this took about 150 years to construct from the 13th to 15th centuries, and was destroyed in the 17th. It also noted the romanticism movement having high regard for these ruins. In high school, we visited the Dayton Art Institute with arts program Muse Machine for a tour regarding romanticism, and the piece to stick out most to me was William Louis Sonntag's "A Dream of Italy," which featured beautiful overgrown ruins overlooking a dramatic Tuscan landscape. When I read this, I could see exactly why this movement would be all over Werner Chapel.

Drew just said it looked like Elden Ring.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles at the base of a medieval Gothic ruin.​

While up here, I ran into a really cool German family on vacation, and talked to the parents briefly. I mentioned I was American, they responded by pointing at my shirt and saying, "we can tell, you love New York." After explaining that I'd never actually visited New York City, and that the shirt was a shoutout to my partner who lives Upstate, they introduced me to their son. This young man had been taking English in school and it was so cool being able to just say simple things like "hi, my name is Jarrett, I am from Ohio," and ask this kid basic questions. He was a bit shy, but I think he was proud of himself for being able to actually use his English in the wild. It's a thrill getting to the country and dropping a "hello," "please," "thank you," maybe you're a hotshot and can order a meal, and having them actually respond in a way you expect and can understand is really cool. So that was a fun memory for a whole family and I felt good having been a part of their vacation, because I know firsthand how cool that is.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A wine store with paintings on the wall sells wine bottles out of wooden crates lined with straw.​

Dinner was at that biergarten-like place I found earlier, and while beer was very much a fixture here, this place was all about the wine. Think a biergarten with the drink menu of a winery.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Jarrett smiles in a German-styled courtyard drinking a glass of Riesling, with chapel ruins atop a hill.​

I drank way too much wine today, but can ya blame me? Look where we are, everything here is delicious!

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On a table sits a piece of fried pork patty smothered in creamy mushroom gravy with fries, next to a glass of wine. The table is in a courtyard surrounded by a timber framed building and overlooked by overgrown Gothic ruins.​

We'd smelled probably the best sauerkraut I'd ever smelled in the streets earlier, but couldn't find it on the menu of either place we picked. Oh well, I like schnitzel! This German dish, consisting of a pan fried veal or pork tenderloin that's been pounded paper thin and topped with gravy, is a favorite of mine from the culture at home.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A sunset hotel lobby with stained glass horse and carriage and German postal horn in the wavy glass, with steins, cups, and pamphlets on the windowsill. ​

We went back to the zimmer after this to watch the latest Survivor that I was behind on. Plan was to crack open another bottle of Bacharacher Riesling (oops) and watch on my laptop, but German Paramount+ wasn't having it. Fortunatley, I got my phone to work, but Drew and I had to huddle around my little 2-inch iPhone screen to watch.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A cobblestone city street lined with timber-framed German buildings under a tall hill with a streetlamp.​

I've found destinations through some pretty odd ways. Murder-obsessed girlfriend, French class, watching South Park make fun of Denmark, the Sid Meier's Civilization franchise even made me aware of cool places like Cahokia Mounds or Skansen Outdoor Museum. But this might be the first instance of me doing things the conservative way and just throwing on travel porn and saying "let's go here, that's pretty!" And while we may have drank just as much on the New Year's Eve when we found this place as we did when we were actually there, it's a time I'll never forget. It's beautiful, it's quaint, life is comfortably paced here, and the food will knock your socks off. And at an easy train ride from Frankfurt, this is why you come here. Not for the industrial iron sprawl that has defined modern Germany, but for a past they have chosen to preserve out of plain sight.

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A messy twist of steel black and leather-colored coaster track with a dive out of an inversion into launch stators, a short gunmetal-colored train says "VOLTRON" on the grill in gold letters.​

UP NEXT: Our Germany adventure hits its final leg before returning home, and as this may be my last time in Europe for a hot minute, what a better way to say "see ya later" to this incredible mix of nations than all at once? After all this, we've earned our place in the Adventurer's Club of Europe! Europa Park holds swashbuckling Dutch privateers, Parisian nights, meals overlooking misty fjords, and everything else I've come to love from my adventures here. Join us for one of the best parks in the world, and see what Voltron shakes up!